These holidays...

are the worse.
I feel so lonely.
and I'm always bored.

It's like I have no purpose in life and what's the point in me existing.
I'd like to say that I wish I could disappear but I know how upset my parents would be and I wouldn't want to inflict that sort of pain upon them.

quite stupid

I really am the worst girlfriend ever !
I made the guy cry.
in a way it's funny but truly it isn't cause my eyes hurt :/
fudge !
yeah single is good ...

I Thought Wrong

Like always I've made another mistake. A mistake where it's too late and I can't go back in time. A mistake people come up with the unimaginable things such as time machines.

Finally, all those weeks and months that I've waited to get what I want and now that I have it, I don't want it. It's just made things worse for me. I thought this was going to change everything. And you know what it has. The change that I didn't want. It's not fair. Why can't I be happy and have what I want at the same time. Today I saw a replay of that one day I was in the toilet because of my maths half yearly mark. I couldn't control myself and I just felt so alone and stuck. I didn't want to be there but where was I meant to go. Ever since, I don't know when ever since but I don't want to go into the state of unhappiness. I really don't.

Wednesday. Arrived at school; late because of an overturned truck. Geography was somewhat boring but I managed to maintain interested as the lesson dragged on. At recess I, what's it called. Oh yeah, I had a breakdown and so for a few minutes I disappeared into the nothingness. That's when I saw Ivy & Fiona and Ivy herself was worried she looked like a retard in front of thingo. HAHA. For second period we had that meeting again for the subjects and I was just cold and wore two jumpers. At lunch was just talking to Anavi then telling her everything that I had asked, finally. LOL. Then sport. Basically it was just people getting hurt or hit by the ball every minute (literally) and me laughing at them nonstop. And the wonderful thing was I scored a goal. Too bad it was an own goal. But I nearly got this other goal right and no one was at the goals and I was like a metre away and guess what; I missed :) So sport was really good and funny. After school, plaza and got mama a present for her birthday and yeah. I have to make a cake I just remembered. Day was...a rollercoaster. That's when I realised why I was so moody. It was that time of month again.

B-bye.

Unfair

THIS IS UNECESSARY!



This is what I get for telling someone I like them. The feeling of unworthiness and just not good enough. Do I not deserve to be happy? What did I do wrong to receive this? Sometimes I wish that I never went to Australia. Now I have double the problems I had before. At least I expected it, but everytime I read it and think about it...I still have the same reaction that same feeling of being unwanted.

I know what it reminds me of now. You know how in movies, just before people die they say their life flashes before them. This is similar to what is happening to me. All those good times we had, I keep seeing it and it just makes me sad becaseu I know I've ruined that and I also know that things won't be the same ever again. Now matter how hard he tries or anyone else because I know how stubborn I am.

This is the first thing that comes to mind: shit. Seriously, there's no point in those (i forgot) now. He was the reason I could stay happy and stay normal but without him there's nothing that can keep me together and you know how stupid I feel now very. I need a new blog. People know thise one and anyone can read it. Gosh! I want to cry. I am sad. I really am and I just want to cry. And I'm not ok. Just, just don't ask me why. Aaargh. Now I want to scream. On top of all that I'm fat and that doesn't help anything. Aaargh. Stupid me. I'm a fat loser who always get rejected by everyone. I mean I don't mind where I am now but I'm not happy. Not completely anway. I know that people can't have everything they want but I would sacri... No, I wouldn't because I know I still wouldn't get what I want. I should just stop wasting my time.

I am now alone, and that I'm sure of.

Discouraged

Just when I think everything is good the dog goes missing. I mean I may not be the nicest owner but I love Codie and if anything happen to her I'll be really sad. I may not show it but I will be. I don't know. I think I deserve this. I don't look after her very well. I don't even wash her. The only thing I do is feed her. And that's about it. I'm the worst dog owner ever.

Ouch

I don't feel to good. I know why. I don't exactly know how I should be feeling. I mean I can't help a person's love but then again it could just be me. I don't really want to talk about it. Not publicly but I have to tell someone, so Jasmine hurry up and go online because I can't handle it anymore. I'm going to have a breakdown, like soon.

"MIND
BLANK"

I should just stop it. Maybe then nothing could happen. And I can't hurt myself no matter what. I don't want to cry about it. I don't want to be angry about it. I just want to be left alone and have no worries. But that would mean I'm living in a dream or a world of fantasy where everything would be perfect.

I think that cry wouldn't be so bad...

What I Feel Like Doing At This Moment

No comment.

extremely bored

right now i'm really bored. and im not sure what i should do. here are my options:

• cry
• commerce
• english
• read
• sleep

but really. all i feel like is to cry. not because of anything now and no one has hurt me. Well no one but me. I don't know why i always do this. I think about the past and all the things which had occured, good and bad. And i think to myself, why can't think be like that now? Or why did that have to happen. Maybe I'm just keeping to much to myself at the moment. But i'm pretty sure i'm being open with all the things i say. It's not like all these things in the past have been holding me back from moving on. Or maybe i'm just thinking too much and that I should stop wasting my time and think about my future. But then I think again, and I'm just like OH SHIT ! Two years from now I'll be in year 12. why did time move so fast. A couple of years ago I was just a year seven and very noobish. More than I am now. Eager to learn and very curios with everything around her. Now, I've given up. Rebelled against some and others, forgotten. My life. I like it. I'm just hoping that I don't have to think and that I should just do. Do and no regrets. But then again. Ive done heaps of those things too. I feel like listing them so:

1. dye my hair, which actually does look nice
2. cut my hair, again it actually does look nice
3. pretend to be someone else and act like i'm ok. it's helped me cope i guess, and it's not like anyone has noticed. well not until they've read this.
4. things which can't be mentioned cause theyre rated R.
5. and hurting myself, emotionally. it doesnt really hurt, thats why i dont regre it, at all.

So yeah. I could think of many things which have happened to me; good and bad. I could name a lot just from today. But moving on from this. It's just so hard. I don't know what to expect. Maybe that's why people live their life as a game. They never know what to expect, and they never know what's going to happen to them, yet they still live it to the max. But I feel like I'm part of a domino line. Just like everyone else, and falls with everyone else, and doesn't know how to differ herself from everyone else except exclude herself from everyone and hide things...

On a positive note, today was better than i expected it to be. I had my history in class essay. Which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I managed to write more than I'd expected. I really just want to do better. Do the best I possibly can. But i've been holding things off. Ive been distracted. I shouldn't let things like that happen to me. I should be strong. *sigh. But i know, no matter what I do, i'm going to forget and fail, fail it all. Back to the positive note. Basketball was pretty fun. I didn't expect it to be as it was but it was fun. And walking to the station with Alyssa and the guys was so random. Fine but random and very, well let's just say it wasn't appropriate, especially that Alyssa was there. And somehow i still make a fool of myself when I was getting off the train and walking backwards up the stairs (not a good idea), didn't realise there was a step there and fell on my bottom right in front of everyone, where they could all see and laugh at me. Oh well. At least I can still make people happy, I haven't lost that ability yet. And when i do. That's when I should reconsider my life and do something with it. For now I'm good.

See I can end things on a positive note, which I guess is a good thing because I need to sleep happy and not crying. But now that I think about it i stil feel like crying. Again it's no ones fault. I really just do miss Philippines. I mean, I had a life there once too. And you can't expect me to just move on from it. I thought I had, but seeing them and talking to them, reminds me of the good 'ol times. Times when I was happy and nothing to worry about, times when I didn't have to try so hard speaing tagalog and everyone could understand me when I spoke in English, times when i fitted in easily, without trying so hard. Times when I was Jasmine,and just Jasmine with no one else to think about and none of this complaining being done...

I've done a lot today. My time was slower. 9.48. DAYUM. Hmm, it's ok I guess. I'm not gonna complain about this. I've done too much already.

Laters,..
;]

tuesday :(

TUESDAY :(
another day gone passed of my very lifeless life.
Today, for once I was actually quite happy to go to school only because I was looking forward to the dance class we were going to have in our PE lesson. But the day didn't seem to live up to my expectations.

It began with Italian and receving the results of the "non-test" we had done the previous lesson. And to my dissapointment I had done better than I thought I would do, which I clearly didn't want to do. Afterwards was English and I wouldn't have to put up much with it because halfway through I would have to go to Peer Support. Getting to Peer Support I was just thinking and arriving there seeing the faces of the annoying little kids seem to had made me smile. The lesson was fun. Even though no one had listen. But who ever does ?

Finally it was PE and I got to dance. It was really fun and most people lacked enthusiasm. The white guys of course enjoyed it and so did my very tall friend. Dancing to the steps of the dances did have a downside, pain. But in the end I guess it was worth it.

Last period was Science. I thought, OH GREAT. I knew that this was not going to be fun. And I was sure of it. I was sitting along with my guy friends because I thought it might be a god change. But soon after the teacher comes along and asks Do you have any friends in this class? I kinda felt offended because I may have not been talking to anyone but it does not mean I'm some BIG TIME loser. This kinda made me really angry. So I turned to my music for some help. Again the teacher comes along and this time he's like stop wasting your time with music. What the hell was that suppose to mean. I have no friends because I listen to music too much? Finally one of my chick friends came along and the teacher didn't speak to me again.

After school I'd forgotten my sport uniform in my locker and so I got it. On the way back I saw my friend, A, and just stood there watching him. A few minutes later my friend, B, comes along and asks me what I was doing there. I told her I saw A so I just stood here and I'm also listening to music. Then she assumes the worst and says Do you like A? And I was like NO. But she never believes me. Plus there's already a D in my life. LOL, not yet. But I'm working on it.

Now I'm here sitting on my chair and pigging out on pizza. And I wonder why I'm so fat.
Anyways Laters,..

gay day

i woke up...

...late and to only find out that it was Monday morning, again. The day which I dread the most. I never quite figured out why. Maybe it's because it's the start of another school week, or maybe just because of this whether that seems to fail me. But whatever it is, I don't like Monday and especially not mornings.

Wating at the bus stop was cold but heat seem to move around inside me. I could feel all my anger being bottled up and I knew that I would explode, but I wasn't sure when. Finally the bus had arrived and I could get school over and done with. First period was science, yes, not. What a way to add to my horrible Monday morning. Right now all I could think about was history. I knew it was the only subject which could lighten my mood. So I sat there in Science, just quiet and listening to my music.

BRRIIINNNNGGG ! At recess, I was glad. The sun was shining, finally. I'd been waiting for it to shine, like forever and all I could feel was happiness. Maybe this was the turning point of the very sad day. I'd stood there in the sun, trying to absorb as much heat as possible and while talking to one of my friends I could hear the guys calling our names. I guess my mood had really lightened up. In class all that everyone was doing was laugh and bludge. I liked that. I do. During then my pencil case and my poor Baby Bear was held for hostage for a 'Camp Note', a camp not!. This was ridiculous but I guess it was still quite fun. Moments like these, I'd just wish they last forever, but in this case, it would never happen to me. Of course the sound of the bell wasn't what I had wanted to hear.

Maths was a drag. It really was. It just seemed to last forever with nothing occuring but the sound of the teacher talking in his monotone voice. I could tell my day was going down again. I knew I'd used up all the fun in me during History. sigh. I just left Maths alone. I knew I couldn't do anything about it.

For the rest of the day that's how I seemed to feel. I was hoping that wating at the bus stop with all my friends would change how I was. But that didn't do anything. Though the cakes some of my friends made were quite delicious. On the bus my bottled up emotions finally exploded when, of course my sister, had annoyed me. I could tell she was the one who was going to bring it out. And sitting there on the bus, I tried to calm myself down by listening to music. I knew that the most ot could do was keep me distracted and at that moment, it was good enough.

Arriving at home, with the a bad mood, I just went to my room and read. That's the most I could do. And somehow it had worked but still moody. The best thing I could do right now is just stay out of people's way hoping that they won't do anything that'll provoke me to do anythign back to them.

I hope tomorrow will be so much better.

Laters,..

stupid emotions

i don't know how i feel right now

should i start crying, or laughing

but I just don't think that

he gets me right now

not that it has to do

with any of this

but i know it's not helping me cope

with all these emotions

running through my head.

sad - happy - angry - surprised - joyful - depressed - monstrous

finally

.............

Waking up this morning and seeing the sunlight shine through my window had made me a little excited. But after realising that it wasn't actually going to be sunny today was the buggest upset. I know I'm not much of an outdoor person but I still love the sun. I don't know why, maybe it's the warm feeling the it gives while being around it or the brightness which shines on everyone. sighh. I guess today's not the day.

After breakfast, shower and some cleaning it was back to sitting on my big ass and on the computer again. I know it's stupid spending most of my time on the net and basically doing nothing. I did get to talk to some on my special people though and it made me feel much happier after that big let down from the weather. How long can this go on?

Laters,..