Numb

It has been a while.

Many things have happened since my last post, which probably means I need to post more often but takes too much effort really, for no one to read in the end so what's the point. Aside from something to read in the future of course. And I'm surprised no one has found this blog considering it is public but that may be due to my constant changing of the url which I don't actually know what it is anymore.

So moving on, I died my hair again. More accurately I got it done at the salon, full head of foils and so I'm now half blonde. I'm halfway with it considering not many people like it or complimented me on it. They just stare at me for a second and start talking about something else which I think means that they don't like it. However, recently I've been actually trying to try and bother styling my hair and I'm kinda liking it now. I think it's just everyone's attitude towards me that's causing me to feel like this towards myself. Which shouldn't really affect me cause F em.

On a much warmer note, it actually feels like summer now. Or at least spring so I've taken this opportunity to constantly go to the beach, cause why not? And here are just some photos which we're taken. (Still fatlol)

sis, moi and cuz @ Bondi

wasn't at the beach but hey they're my bestfsss ♥

Aside from the beach, I don't think that I've been living my life to the potential. Maybe because I'm allowing others to control my life and thus not furthering my networks and what not but I'm constantly feeling sad and alone and all that kind of emotion. It's probably because I was PMS-ing but I also know the other reason. I guess I just wished that you had more courtesy towards me, or at least my feelings. I don't think I've put as much effort as I have in our friendship compared to others and for some reason this is how I'm treated. Maybe it's by accident but still, I feel neglected. Rejected? Yes, rejected. I thought that the Jasmine who always got rejected was left behind in high school. But it seems that this feeling has come back and I have no choice but to suck it up and move on because I'm afraid that if I start making a big deal out of it or telling someone I will just burden them or become a drama queen which I don't like seeing on others and especially not myself. I've just left it at that I guess. There's nothing between us. There never was. Fuar, it just seems like I wasted my time again though. I keep making the same mistake and I never seem to learn. And in the end I'm the one who's hurt. Like I'm being punished for not listening to the people around me who told me this and that yet I persistantly believe that for once I'm making the right decision. Well, Jasmine, you're not. So grow up.

Less rant more happy bloggy stuff. Got mid-sem marks back as well as my MPO assignment. I've managed to pass all of them, some barely (ACCOUNTING) but overall I'm content considering the amount of effort which went into those assessments. For some reason it's not getting to my head that I need to get my act together and start focusing on my education, cause honestly it's all I've got right now. That and work. What even is a social life. I mean it's not existing for me really. My friends are all busy. My other "friends" don't even speak to me. And I struggle making friends as it is. My self esteem is at it's all time low and I'm just relying on my make up and dressing skills to cheer myself up and at least make myself feel beautiful or somewhat like that. So yeah, uni. Not really motivated but I'm putting more effort into that now. I guess.

And my all time fave, I'm seeing him on Saturday. I think? I hope so. I'm kinda excited. Haven't seen him in a while and well he really has been there for me all the time. I just chose to ignore because sometimes he pissed me off (but then who doesn't, right?). I'm kinda hoping to spend the whole afternoon with him and then have dinner but I'm so worried that I won't be able to enjoy my day for some unforeseen reasons but I'm still looking forward to it.

Lastly, my arm is numb. Like numb. I got Implanon inserted in my arm and well they put in anasthesia (ceebs dictionary) and she said it takes a few seconds to take affect but like it was affecting me yet and she cut my arm and put it in and stung like OMG but then lucky the anasthesia did kick in and now my arm is just numb. Then stupid me decided to transfer the rain water to the other tank, manually, one bucket at a time and now my arm feels really weak. Plus I have like a bandage on it so I full had to work out what clothes I was going to wear otherwise my mum would've asked me WTF is that and WTF. It would not have ended well...

To summarise, everything around me is pretty hectic aside from myself which is stationary and boring and lifeless and honestly, I just have no motivation to do anything, well because I just don't. People suck. People suck because they don't realise they hurt my feelings even though I've told them how sensitive I am. And I'm not even overreacting. I have some patience, but after a while, why wait?

In the end you're just going to be alone anyway.

Boys Over Flowers

More like boys over me, or boys on top of me, LOL. Actually it's just a Korean drama that I started watching again after already watching it a few months ago. But it's pretty cool.

I feel so empty

Who knew a lot could happen in just a little over a week. I don't know how to else to say this nor do I want to say this. I don't even know what to do, or say, or THINK. I'm confused to the max and I've lost all sense to do or want anything. I've been blinded and hurt yet I feel guilt within me. Everything's changed and for once I have no control over anything.

I feel useless.

gay day

i woke up...

...late and to only find out that it was Monday morning, again. The day which I dread the most. I never quite figured out why. Maybe it's because it's the start of another school week, or maybe just because of this whether that seems to fail me. But whatever it is, I don't like Monday and especially not mornings.

Wating at the bus stop was cold but heat seem to move around inside me. I could feel all my anger being bottled up and I knew that I would explode, but I wasn't sure when. Finally the bus had arrived and I could get school over and done with. First period was science, yes, not. What a way to add to my horrible Monday morning. Right now all I could think about was history. I knew it was the only subject which could lighten my mood. So I sat there in Science, just quiet and listening to my music.

BRRIIINNNNGGG ! At recess, I was glad. The sun was shining, finally. I'd been waiting for it to shine, like forever and all I could feel was happiness. Maybe this was the turning point of the very sad day. I'd stood there in the sun, trying to absorb as much heat as possible and while talking to one of my friends I could hear the guys calling our names. I guess my mood had really lightened up. In class all that everyone was doing was laugh and bludge. I liked that. I do. During then my pencil case and my poor Baby Bear was held for hostage for a 'Camp Note', a camp not!. This was ridiculous but I guess it was still quite fun. Moments like these, I'd just wish they last forever, but in this case, it would never happen to me. Of course the sound of the bell wasn't what I had wanted to hear.

Maths was a drag. It really was. It just seemed to last forever with nothing occuring but the sound of the teacher talking in his monotone voice. I could tell my day was going down again. I knew I'd used up all the fun in me during History. sigh. I just left Maths alone. I knew I couldn't do anything about it.

For the rest of the day that's how I seemed to feel. I was hoping that wating at the bus stop with all my friends would change how I was. But that didn't do anything. Though the cakes some of my friends made were quite delicious. On the bus my bottled up emotions finally exploded when, of course my sister, had annoyed me. I could tell she was the one who was going to bring it out. And sitting there on the bus, I tried to calm myself down by listening to music. I knew that the most ot could do was keep me distracted and at that moment, it was good enough.

Arriving at home, with the a bad mood, I just went to my room and read. That's the most I could do. And somehow it had worked but still moody. The best thing I could do right now is just stay out of people's way hoping that they won't do anything that'll provoke me to do anythign back to them.

I hope tomorrow will be so much better.

Laters,..