What's Love

What's love, got to do, got to do, babe
What's love, it's about us, it's about trust,

So I've been really lazy recently and just haven't dont anything productive. I've no motivation to do anything and sometimes I feel like my life is complete waste of time. I can't even be bothered drinking anymore, ahha not that it's something I wanna do. Anyways, yeah I've been lazy and I've got a fair amount of assessments coming up which I really need to get a move on and start doing otherwise I can see my self dropping in me ranking and all that other shit that apparently matters. I feel so pessimistic now. I actually have no reason to be upset or sad so I'm not really. I'm just getting really stressed now, and the pressure of year 12 is actually starting to hit me now. I just don't appreciate people getting on my nerves especially when it's not even necessary. Are people stupid or something?

And you know what I found out yesterday. I have to do my English assessment on the Tuesday or on the Monday in front of the panel of teachers, all because I have TAFE on the Wednesday. I think all this English shit is stupid but then if I think about it, we only have to go through school once and my mood's just gone shitty. I hate these swings.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. i hate being in this. It's the most stupidest thing in the world, and yeah I finally get why she'd say no to him. It's all coming back. I feel even more stupid now.
STUPID
STUPID.


I wanna go out.

damn it

damn it

damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it

• damn it

damn it
damn it
damn it

damn it

1. damn it

damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it

ive emphasised on that two words a lot. because it's quickly falling apart.
oh gosh.

#300

firstly i'd like to congratulate myself for reach 300. quite insane really. how does one reach such a large number. to tell you the truth i have no idea but whatever right. so yes. happy 300th.

my day was what you call a good/bad day. it didn't exactly turn out as planned. we set out early in the morningt to go to the treetop adventure thingy in gosford and like we got there and it's awesome right but like the peoples there said you need a booking esp. on weekends and school holidays which today happened to be both. we left with disappointment because it was going to be fun.

after that we went to the entrance to go for a swim. the tide was high but it was low enough for us to be able to cross the water. as soon as we reached it though there were jellyfish and i despise jelly fish oh so much and so that ruined. we decided to go the pools and even those were close. luckily the little one was open but man was it cold. then soon it was forecasted to storm and so we decided to screw that and leave.

as you can see the day hadn't really gone to plan but whatever right? we had lucnh at this really nice chinese restaurant, i mean like the food was really nice. then we as in me alyssa and my mum went shopping for stuff because there was a sale and i bought myself a purple ball :D then we went to the festival thingy or whatever but like the rides were closing. luckily the carousel wasn't so we went on that. overall my day was awesome. even got to watch how i met your mother.

but yes.
excited for tomorrow.
buying materials for the dress.


GOODBYEE

i'll give you fascinating

thank you to those who find my blog fascinating,

and because you think that my blog is fascinating i'm going to make it really crap and boring and just so uninterestingly not fascinating that you're not gonna wanna read it. basically this is week is like the exams right and to tell you the truth it's awesome. i've never been so happy in my whole entire life. LIE. obviously i have been but still. just sitting in the room with everyone quiet and ACTUALLY doing they're work. DUDE, that's so awesome. I finally get the peace and quiet i truly deserve. i think im failing with the whole not being fascinating thing because even i can tell when i'm writing it differently and i'm writing it the usual way i write it which is supposedly fascinating.

i give up.

i want to watch a movie,

but after making himmat's birthday movie i think i need a break BUT i want to make another one now. what am i gonna do now that i have free time. and now studying is so not an option.

and FYI:

im confused.

some people just don't understand other people's feelings do they?

x.

adios amigos.

We All Want Something

CLICK TO ENLARGE


Firstly I found this picture a while ago. I was planning to put it up but I guess I never got around to it and I suppose now would be a good time. So yeah.

Next thing on the agenda it's

LARA's BIRTHDAY today.
along with Kuya Bon's
but neither of these birthdays did I have a chance to celebrate with them because of personal reasons. Happy Birthday to you both.

I feel good. I donated blood today. A total of 400mL. AHHAHA. I was really oh so very anxious but there was actually just a little pinch but apart from that all good. The thing is we get a free milkshake afterwards and I was really looking forward to it but like I went to the Refreshments room and got my milkshake. I sat down had a sip. The I closed my eyes next thing I know I had really bad leg cramps and I was lying on the ground and one of the ladies was picking me up. What happened in between I have no idea but obviously it wasn't good. I didn't get to have the rest of my milkshake and they made me lie down for a whole hour so they didn't let me go back to school. Apart from that the other guy was the one who saw me fall down and I probably looked like the biggest idiot. Damn. Who cares. I donated blood and I want to do it again. They ended up taking me home.

I thought this was a good time to just express my self but I'm starting to get a bit of a headache so I think I'll just take it easy. Nah I'll do it now, because I'm not sleepy yet.

People damn you all. You know how pissed off I get, and really easily too. Like I don't expect you to do what I want but sometimes can't you just see that I exist and I would like to be happy too you know. It's just not fair. And this is too all of you again stop acting like you know everything because seriously if you knew everything you wouldn't be at this school. So if you're going to tell me something because you think you know it or assume that I don't already know or just want to tell me but it has no sense whatsoever then think again because I extremely don't like it. I'm a hypocrite but at least I don't always do it. Many people do it and that's what pisses me off a lot. When it's done too much. Another thing, I believe that in a friendship there should be trust between the people within that relationship but like lately I haven't been seeing it and it's questioned my friendship with everyone and every single person in the whole entire world beccause something's not right. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed but then again there's only one way out of my bed. Maybe I fainted. And just lost sense of everything. Whatever it may be I know that something isn't right and it's bugging me so much. I just want to tell everyone off right now. Telling them what to do because lately no one seems to know what they're doing. I for one have an idea because I notice these things. I just wish everyone else does. sigH*

LASTLY: to all the couples out there. I think you know who you are. Well because it's pretty clear that to be a couple you have to have a partner of either the opposite OR the same sex of whom you share an attraction towards one another. I really truly do NOT like it when you make out in public. Not exactly that but when you're doing it right in front of me. If you want to shove your tongues down each other's throats in front of me you may as well have sex in front of me. I find it really disturbing maybe because I haven't matured yet but please have the consideration to just not make out in front of me. I do my best to avoid watching these things in movies and tv shows etc. but real life people still manage to do it in front of me. So again I'd greatly appreciate it if you didn't.

you stupid people you just dont get it do you. when everything is perfectly fine you ask me what's wrong with me yet when I'm not with it you seem to manage to ignore such problems and that's so stupid. like right now I feel weak. not physically but emotionally. maybe seeing that i can't handle things well compared to other has opened my eyes to who I really am and like i've kinda seen things differently but in a way the same as before. the little things are now more obvious to me and i don't know. seriously if you ask someone a question and they tell you an answer once is enough. maybe twice but no more because what do you expect the person to do. suddenly come to a change of mind because you won't stop hassling them. that's stupid. let people be. if that's what they want let them. you can't and shouldn't do that. it's their fucking life. gawd.

extremely moody although i don't have my periods yet...

i'm starting to feel faint yet again.
GOODBYE

crap

guess how many times i can say that?

- endlessly for days on end.

thats how much this sucks.

Giving Up

I’ve been lying to myself. I'm trying to show myself that I'm happy. The truth is I am happy but there’s times when I just want to cry because I know that something isn’t right and that I don’t really have what I want. But on that basis not everyone gets what they want. There’s just not balance in that. So, the reason I wanted to talk about this was because I saw Bilal today. Really, yeah. He was one of my classmates at my old school and I once had a thing for me. At first I didn’t think that I liked him and that I'm just a stupid little girl. But now that I'm older and more mature and realising my true feelings towards others I kinda miss him. We weren’t close. Well at one point we were. Me, Samantha, Tyler and Bilal. We were a group that was happy and hung around each other at lunchtime and played handball. Those good old days. But as the years passed I began focusing on my studies, Tyler & Bilal and Samantha on whatever she was doing and we seemed to just separate. Thinking about it just makes me want to cry. I'm so sad (the stupid, lame, sad). Back to the story. In year 5 or maybe 6 I had a crush on him or liked him whichever one and in year 5 was the year I started going down. The people whom I hung around were very influential and they were the so-called ‘popular’ group and I was part of that. And so I liked him. But because of my genius ability he treated me like a calculator and whenever he saw me he would always ask me multiplication questions which I found annoying but what can I do. So yeah. I don’t know. The same thing still happens to me. I'm still the same unwanted girl except now I'm not even the smart one. I don’t have any traits that people like; even my laugh is becoming more and more hideous as days pass. I think it might be your fault. Not just you but a lot of you put together. All of you have impacted on so many parts of my life which has turned me into who I am now. Confused about who I am and always doubting every decision I make because of the fear of what you did to me occurring again. And you know what it hurts. Bad. I'm not gonna listen to what anyone says. I know that I'm not the best person in the world nor am I the prettiest and I'm quite sure that I'm overweight and if you are going to tell me that I'm not overweight and it’s just baby fat or muscle then FUCK off. I don’t give a fuck what you think because I know the truth and it’s time for me to accept who I really am and see me as me without pretending to be anyone else and try so hard to fit in with everyone else even though I know that I'm the odd one out. The one who’s always quiet because she doesn’t belong. I don’t like that. I don’t like being excluded. Nor do I like being included because you feel sorry for me or because you have to. I just want to fit in with people who are there. I just want one person who I can rely on and is HERE in Australia. I know that if I was in Philippines life would be a blast because I have family and friends there and we had the money too. AND for fuck’s sake people I'm not fucking rich. Gosh. I can’t even save money. The money I have, I have to work for that and I'm annoyed now. This was just meant to be a heartfelt blog and now it’s turned into something else. IT’S YOU FUCKING FAULT. Why did you have to exist in my life?

Today was late. I don’t like being late very much. Now that I'm in SRC and actually got what I wanted I don’t want it to be thrown away because of the bus driver. It’s not fair. The day was rather short really. Maths, well it was maths. No ANGEL either, so I was quite disappointed. Commerce on the other hand, well it was boring too. But the good thing is that for once I understood what the lesson was about, the first time in a long time. And that made me feel proud. At lunchtime it was funny because Xu was annoying us and he was trying to kick the ball and he failed. Literally. I, Jasmine, the retard who just sucks at soccer, is better than Xu. Woah huh. It was hilarious. Sport was afterwards which was the same as last week. Full of fun and laughter. I can’t help it. I just laugh at the most random things and I don’t like it. It’s actually really annoying. Highlights were teasing Jasmine and Himmat’s goals, Jasmine’s headbutt ? I forgot what it was called. I'm pretty sure is not that. The thing you do when you hit the ball with your head. Uhm playing Around the World with Anavi which we didn’t actually finish, the freak bus which started vibrating and freaked me out (and made me look like a super idiot because I jumped out of my seat), my REALLY REALLY REALLY lame call about how I’ve made so many fail calls to Sukhman and I was like something about calling him on his phone. Basically it was just that bad. Then we got back to school and I decided that I wanted to go home early and walked really fast and still managed to miss the train as I have been doing a lot lately (the miss the train part) so I went back to the plaza and sat there with Jasmine and Himmat. Oooh, I showed them my arm right and Himmat was like woah that’s huge and he was like arm wrestle and he said it feels like I'm vs.ing a tank guy and I stopped and looked at his arm cause they were huge too and then I realised that he just called me a guy and had a mini go at him and then I slapped my head and then he and jasmine made fun of that. He then began to mock me and it was funny shit. Jasmine² couldn’t stop laughing and it was just funny. We went to the station and we ran up the stairs. Wow, was I in pain. But yeah, now I'm home so it’s all good. I'm being a good girl and helping my mum because I have to make up for tomorrow and I know what I gonna wear. Kinda.

At the moment it feels like I can relate to the song I Hate That I Love You & Been Waiting. I don’t know why but whatever right. HAHA. One last thing:

I'm over you, so get over yourself.

Arrivederci.

I Can Do You Like That, That, That

We all know that today was the first day back to school. I expected it to be quiet and not as joyful. At a few times this was the case but then again, on days when everyone is there those 'moments' occur too. Especially if you're me. Today was also my first day in SRC. I don't know if I should be writing it here but this is how I feel and thought. At first I thought SRC would be a great and fun experience and have the chance to represent my grade etc. Once I did get the position I started feeling regretful because I didn't quite expect to receive a position as such. It wasn't right and I don't like it when things aren't right. I don't know. I don't think this is the right time to say it and I will leave it for later. Gosh, I feel so stupid today. Not just because of this but nothing would register and I found myself just staring at the wall or the ground or whatever and whenever people spoke to me I would just be in a world of my own. I was hopeless and I really did not like it. No more gay things. Today was good. People, leave me alone, seriously, let me do what I WANT to do.

Something came to mind when I read Exclamation Mark's blog. The one from the 14th. I didn't like it. Not as in it was a bad thing but it was more of a sad thing. But as I was told it's a person's blog and they should be able to express their own feelings. Well this is how I feel. Some people may look like they're taking their life and family for granted but inside it worries them shit. Because for me I try not to think about death and death altogether because it's not a funny topic. The thought of that happening to my family is sad and I don't want to talk about it. But I just want to make the most of now. The time I have with them. The time when I can be happy and have no worries because one day I will have worries but I don't want to waste this time. I just want to feel good and satisfied and lucky, lucky to have all that I have. Why make more problems when there's enough problems out there. AAAHhh, I've overdone it again. Stuff it.

GOODBYE.

Deep Breath

I feel like an extra.

maybe the gum
but extra.
not fitting in anywhere
but just being there.

continue later.

Unfair

THIS IS UNECESSARY!



This is what I get for telling someone I like them. The feeling of unworthiness and just not good enough. Do I not deserve to be happy? What did I do wrong to receive this? Sometimes I wish that I never went to Australia. Now I have double the problems I had before. At least I expected it, but everytime I read it and think about it...I still have the same reaction that same feeling of being unwanted.

I know what it reminds me of now. You know how in movies, just before people die they say their life flashes before them. This is similar to what is happening to me. All those good times we had, I keep seeing it and it just makes me sad becaseu I know I've ruined that and I also know that things won't be the same ever again. Now matter how hard he tries or anyone else because I know how stubborn I am.

This is the first thing that comes to mind: shit. Seriously, there's no point in those (i forgot) now. He was the reason I could stay happy and stay normal but without him there's nothing that can keep me together and you know how stupid I feel now very. I need a new blog. People know thise one and anyone can read it. Gosh! I want to cry. I am sad. I really am and I just want to cry. And I'm not ok. Just, just don't ask me why. Aaargh. Now I want to scream. On top of all that I'm fat and that doesn't help anything. Aaargh. Stupid me. I'm a fat loser who always get rejected by everyone. I mean I don't mind where I am now but I'm not happy. Not completely anway. I know that people can't have everything they want but I would sacri... No, I wouldn't because I know I still wouldn't get what I want. I should just stop wasting my time.

I am now alone, and that I'm sure of.

SkypeMe!

Ok well seriously people. I have Skype right and what a big mistak it was. Well not mistake. I'm actually enjoying speaking to them. There's two guys:


Daniel:

• 35year old
• 185cm
• short dark hair
• dark brown eyes
• Danish
• horny

Yousef:

• 19 year old
• 179cm
• short dark hair
• dark eyes
• fair skin
• algerian
• likes football
• and writing messages of love

I showed them this picture right and Daniel thinks I'm a hot sexy chick or something like that. HAHAH. I'm such a retard.

My Hair's Wet

I realised that tomorrow is Monday. Yeah, I know, oh my god right. Ha, no, I'm just saying that the past week has been so relaxing for me with no school work to do and all that stuff but now I can just tell I'm in week of a rollercoaster ride with its ups and downs. I know what to expect, but how I'm going to handle it is a totally different thing. If only I was a real person. That's not right. I am a real person. I'm utterly confused right now. I'm in the middle of everything when I just want to be in a space of my own nothingness.

HAHA, i'm not laughing

Over and over again
cause it's all in my head...

I woke up this morning, up and ready to go swimming. Lately, waking up in a Saturday morning I've felt more enthusiastic about going swimming. I don't know why this is the case but it's a good thing. I got there and Julia was back. Yey? And because I was there early she asked if i wanted to join the early class and I did it, which meant i finished earlier. Woo, I could do all the things she said EXCEPT for the fact that I couldn't breathe, but that's just me. So yeah.

Now i'm at home and like I'm doing the first part of the Healthy Assignment which I find a complete waste of time because it is. So yeah. While looking for info I came upon this (http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=1866) I thought it was a good website and it really gave me help on what was wrong with me.

Why I'm feeling crap:

• You have experienced one or several big or small stressful events or tough times.

So yeah. It may have been cause by one of the following:

• Family problems
• Relationship or friendship problems - breaking up with someone or fighting.
• Starting at a new school or job.
• Being a carer or living with someone with a mental or physical illness.
• Feeling bored or unstimulated, e.g. in the school holidays.
• Not eating well
• Not getting enough exercise
• Not getting enough sleep
• Illness - being sick, or fighting off illness, can make you feel run down and unwell
• Hormonal changes in females during your menstrual cycle can make you feel crap. This may happen a few days before you get your period and you may not make the connection immediately.

As you can see it's not all of it, it's a few of those reasons. I'm not going to go into detail into that but yeh. I'm going to admit it. I FEEL CRAP. And the only thing I can do about it which will work is to express my feelings, but that will cause me to feel more crap and make the whole everything worse. So i will just deal with it and keep my mouth shut. My happiness doesn't matter, just as long as everyone elses is fine.

And just to get things straight now, I'm not emo. I don't fucking cut myself or even listen to emo music. I don't even dress emo. So fuck off. I'm not fucking emo.

Must finish this.

laters,.
;]

p.s.

WORD FEELING OF THE DAY:
"CRAP"