Winter is here

As always I begin my posts by saying "a lot has happened since my last post" well duh, you only post every few months, of course a lot is going to happen.

Well since my last post, I've had my birthday and turned 20, amazing right? It hasn't quite hit me though how old that really is. Soon ill be 21, then 22, 23, 24 and so on and so on and one day (hopefully) I'll be getting married and having kids.

Anyways celebrated my birthday with a few close mates in my very cosy home with lots of drinks shared between me, Kat and shini. For some reason others weren't as keen to drink. Why? Who knows.

In that time I've also has exams which has been so hectic. I've never had so much pressure to not only pass an exam but also do well considering how poorly I had done in the mid semester exams. I suppose it'll depend on the markers now whether or not I'll make it throuh. On the bright side, I did pass Networking and managed to get 69% which I'm quite proud of because I struggled in the beginning.

On a more recent topic, I've been such a party girl lately and drinking to my heart's content. Not only did I drink at Sarah's party but I also slept over and got to hang out with my oh so very cool cousins. To be honest I finally felt like I belong. Even if it was just for a few hours And even though I spent the morning running to and from the toilet, throwing up everything I had consumed that night. It was nice.

The other night, for post-exams celebrations me and the girls decided to head off to the city for dinner and clubbbanng. And as always I was up to my silly antics, dressed head to toe like a slur but being in Kings Cross, this was the social norm however still managed to get a few glances from the locals, but which girl dress with a low cut top and ass showing skirt didn't get a look, from anyone. We started the evening for a fine dinner at Chef's Gallery and I must admit, it was worth it. Especially the "Piggy visits Totoro House" dessert, WORTH IT! after dinner, some of the girls has left and the rest of us got ready then headed off to the cross and went to Soho, FOAM PARTY where I made my debut in hooking up with someone I've never met before nor do i plan to ever again. No need to worry, it was just a few seconds of mouth to mouth action, which frankly I didn't even enjoy that much. (Not into tounging). I also vaguely remember introducing himself (don't remember his name) and I replied by saying my name is Hannah, which we all know is not. Then things got a little wild so I decided to put a stop to it.

After the incident I decided to take the girls to Trademark although a bit hesitant on the price, but managed to get free entry *cheering and to be honest I still love Trademark. I love the music, the setting and location. Overall it was a great night with the girls which was abruptly ended due to freshy Indians hitting on one of my girls. But the whole thing was a success.

And now, I'm just back to my bored Jasmine, who doesnt know what to do with life.

Numb

It has been a while.

Many things have happened since my last post, which probably means I need to post more often but takes too much effort really, for no one to read in the end so what's the point. Aside from something to read in the future of course. And I'm surprised no one has found this blog considering it is public but that may be due to my constant changing of the url which I don't actually know what it is anymore.

So moving on, I died my hair again. More accurately I got it done at the salon, full head of foils and so I'm now half blonde. I'm halfway with it considering not many people like it or complimented me on it. They just stare at me for a second and start talking about something else which I think means that they don't like it. However, recently I've been actually trying to try and bother styling my hair and I'm kinda liking it now. I think it's just everyone's attitude towards me that's causing me to feel like this towards myself. Which shouldn't really affect me cause F em.

On a much warmer note, it actually feels like summer now. Or at least spring so I've taken this opportunity to constantly go to the beach, cause why not? And here are just some photos which we're taken. (Still fatlol)

sis, moi and cuz @ Bondi

wasn't at the beach but hey they're my bestfsss ♥

Aside from the beach, I don't think that I've been living my life to the potential. Maybe because I'm allowing others to control my life and thus not furthering my networks and what not but I'm constantly feeling sad and alone and all that kind of emotion. It's probably because I was PMS-ing but I also know the other reason. I guess I just wished that you had more courtesy towards me, or at least my feelings. I don't think I've put as much effort as I have in our friendship compared to others and for some reason this is how I'm treated. Maybe it's by accident but still, I feel neglected. Rejected? Yes, rejected. I thought that the Jasmine who always got rejected was left behind in high school. But it seems that this feeling has come back and I have no choice but to suck it up and move on because I'm afraid that if I start making a big deal out of it or telling someone I will just burden them or become a drama queen which I don't like seeing on others and especially not myself. I've just left it at that I guess. There's nothing between us. There never was. Fuar, it just seems like I wasted my time again though. I keep making the same mistake and I never seem to learn. And in the end I'm the one who's hurt. Like I'm being punished for not listening to the people around me who told me this and that yet I persistantly believe that for once I'm making the right decision. Well, Jasmine, you're not. So grow up.

Less rant more happy bloggy stuff. Got mid-sem marks back as well as my MPO assignment. I've managed to pass all of them, some barely (ACCOUNTING) but overall I'm content considering the amount of effort which went into those assessments. For some reason it's not getting to my head that I need to get my act together and start focusing on my education, cause honestly it's all I've got right now. That and work. What even is a social life. I mean it's not existing for me really. My friends are all busy. My other "friends" don't even speak to me. And I struggle making friends as it is. My self esteem is at it's all time low and I'm just relying on my make up and dressing skills to cheer myself up and at least make myself feel beautiful or somewhat like that. So yeah, uni. Not really motivated but I'm putting more effort into that now. I guess.

And my all time fave, I'm seeing him on Saturday. I think? I hope so. I'm kinda excited. Haven't seen him in a while and well he really has been there for me all the time. I just chose to ignore because sometimes he pissed me off (but then who doesn't, right?). I'm kinda hoping to spend the whole afternoon with him and then have dinner but I'm so worried that I won't be able to enjoy my day for some unforeseen reasons but I'm still looking forward to it.

Lastly, my arm is numb. Like numb. I got Implanon inserted in my arm and well they put in anasthesia (ceebs dictionary) and she said it takes a few seconds to take affect but like it was affecting me yet and she cut my arm and put it in and stung like OMG but then lucky the anasthesia did kick in and now my arm is just numb. Then stupid me decided to transfer the rain water to the other tank, manually, one bucket at a time and now my arm feels really weak. Plus I have like a bandage on it so I full had to work out what clothes I was going to wear otherwise my mum would've asked me WTF is that and WTF. It would not have ended well...

To summarise, everything around me is pretty hectic aside from myself which is stationary and boring and lifeless and honestly, I just have no motivation to do anything, well because I just don't. People suck. People suck because they don't realise they hurt my feelings even though I've told them how sensitive I am. And I'm not even overreacting. I have some patience, but after a while, why wait?

In the end you're just going to be alone anyway.

More stuff.

I want to be able to give myself a fresh start which includes removing this. I guess Blogger is the only safe place I can put it where I know in the future I'll be able to look back at all the things which has happened in the past. I sound like a massive tool but like anyone cares.

Revelation

I didn't actually want to write again but I felt like if I wrote then maybe all the feelings inside of me would disappear and let me concentrate on studying for this exam.

I have mixed feelings, towards everyone. The people who you expect to be the biggest dick towards you turns out to be really nice and as much as they may not show it, you can just tell that they're really sincere, thought at times you might just be hallucinating and no they're not really nice. However, there's others who you have high expectations from, as friends and people who would, SHOULD care about and understand how you feel but instead creates problems which you never expect would have occurred.

I'm studying for Engineering. I actually find it quite interesting. On top of that it's distracting me from the people around me and all the issues which come along with it. I don't like how things are. This post is pretty much contradicting my previous one, WHICH was only written a few hours ago. But right now, I feel like sometimes me and my boyfriend weren't meant to be. There's always forces keeping us apart and if not that, people preventing us from being together. Am I that horrible and mean of a person that I have to suffer with this, let alone with the guy whom I love most. I'm not the only one suffering, or so I hope. I mean, if I'm the only one suffering this is life's way of torturing me after all that I've done in the past.

I just want to be free. I don't want to be held back by anyone anymore. I want to be able to do what I want to do without having to worry about others, judging and telling that it's not right. Maybe I know it's not right, but sometimes I have to experience these things for myself and learn and be able to learn from these mistakes. I want to experience new things. I want the adrenaline, the rush, just everything. I don't want to be held back. Which is why when I turn 18 I'm considering getting a tattoo. I don't know what yet, but I will. Not to rebel, but just to have that feeling running through my veins. The feeling where no one has held me back and allowed me to make my own decision. I don't care if it's a mistake. At times, actually, I know that my mistakes have led to good things. I remember that one day, I jigged school to get away from everyone and went to the house of the person who could comfort me and allow me to forget all the issues and troubles I was in. He took me to his home, especially during a critical time in his hs life, yet he did not worry. He did not care that he could be in trouble for allowing me to enter the home of his parents. He talked with me, he spent the day with me, my gosh we studied in our underwear. Of course that person is special to me and he's still that loving person that he was. If people understand how I feel about him and could just be like him then maybe I won't be like this. Is it that hard to empathize with others and maybe see how they feel.

What the freaking heck am I on about. Sometimes I can just go on about nothing yet for some reason it makes sense to me later and it also removes the weight within me. Like right now, I actually feel good. I've made mistakes and I should learn to accept the consequences. And now I can go back to studying for that exam.

laters bychezzz


p.s. sorry if write a lot and that it's a complete eyesore. I just have a lot on my mind and I'd like to free myself from it, even if it means writing on an online blog where no one will ever read it. I guess that's what so good about. Oh and PJ might read it, she's not nothing. I kinda hope she doesn't though. Don't want her to see how much of a loser I really am, if she hasn't seen it already.

Night

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMSY !

miss you so much :)

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i love the night
and how it's so bright
it fills up my life.
the feeling of freedom
it's endlessness.

oh how i love the night.

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ones feeling doesn't leave for another person when they leave, it simply goes stronger. at times it brings fear for the person as if something is escaping them; a hole getting bigger in their mind and heart. this is what you've done to me...

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not seeing you
not knowing how you are
not being able speak with you
yet knowing that we will never be...

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age is nothing to me.
ít's simply a number that the ancient people put beside your name to remember how many punches they need to give you on your birthday.
so stop talking shit about how you are older than me because i really don't care. you're awesome and you can't do anything about it and i'm not gonna do anything about it now because i've grown too close and attached to you it's gonna hurt me one day...but now i'm just going to make the most of being with you...

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this feeling which is filling me up, amazing. complete and utter amazement. i never knew but jasmine i mean i was right. that person in the future will be lucky and many ways your imagination could never come up with. oh my just laughing to myself about this great finding. amazing, i swear. i do have a talent, a talent that i suppose may be useful...one day, in the near future, i hope not.

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BTW, you're a FN FISHHEAD. I know you ain't reading this but might as well tell you anyway, cause one day you're gonna realise it and well that's not how you treat a man. LOL, no woman but still, so yeah. just wanted to tell you that.

i've realised that blogs about my day is simply useless to anyone who reads this and i've worked out that if i write something interesting like poetry or storys or stuff then people might actually want to read it..so yeah, these btw are messages to people BUT i ain't telling you who :P

damn it

damn it

damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it

• damn it

damn it
damn it
damn it

damn it

1. damn it

damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it
damn it

ive emphasised on that two words a lot. because it's quickly falling apart.
oh gosh.

I Thought Wrong

Like always I've made another mistake. A mistake where it's too late and I can't go back in time. A mistake people come up with the unimaginable things such as time machines.

Finally, all those weeks and months that I've waited to get what I want and now that I have it, I don't want it. It's just made things worse for me. I thought this was going to change everything. And you know what it has. The change that I didn't want. It's not fair. Why can't I be happy and have what I want at the same time. Today I saw a replay of that one day I was in the toilet because of my maths half yearly mark. I couldn't control myself and I just felt so alone and stuck. I didn't want to be there but where was I meant to go. Ever since, I don't know when ever since but I don't want to go into the state of unhappiness. I really don't.

Wednesday. Arrived at school; late because of an overturned truck. Geography was somewhat boring but I managed to maintain interested as the lesson dragged on. At recess I, what's it called. Oh yeah, I had a breakdown and so for a few minutes I disappeared into the nothingness. That's when I saw Ivy & Fiona and Ivy herself was worried she looked like a retard in front of thingo. HAHA. For second period we had that meeting again for the subjects and I was just cold and wore two jumpers. At lunch was just talking to Anavi then telling her everything that I had asked, finally. LOL. Then sport. Basically it was just people getting hurt or hit by the ball every minute (literally) and me laughing at them nonstop. And the wonderful thing was I scored a goal. Too bad it was an own goal. But I nearly got this other goal right and no one was at the goals and I was like a metre away and guess what; I missed :) So sport was really good and funny. After school, plaza and got mama a present for her birthday and yeah. I have to make a cake I just remembered. Day was...a rollercoaster. That's when I realised why I was so moody. It was that time of month again.

B-bye.

A New Found Craze

I'm such an idiot. I pressed Enter instead of Tab.

Well, lately I've been bored out of my mind, confused and not knowing what I should do next. Everyone else seems to be lucky always going out and have fun-filled holidays unlike me who is always sitting down making money for one day of movies with my friend. Not that it's a bad thing but I want something more exciting and vavoom if you know what I mean. Back to my story I decided that I would borrow tito's PSP because he hardly uses it now ever since he got his new phone. I swear he has so much technological stuff I'm ashamed of myself because I'm the younger one (also the one who is less smarter, that's now what I was gonna say but I can't say it now) But yes. His PSP is cool and the fact that it has built in Wi-Fi is even better because then I can surf the net while I'm on it. It's so cool and I've been very distracted from my life ever since I started playing with it, which was just last night.

Because of my very persuasive brother I also began to watch Gossip Girl. It's not that bad. Actually it's pretty good. After just watching three episodes I'm hooked onto the show and I want to watch more. Too bad I can't download anymore because then I'll get to the point where I'll get into super trouble. But the chicks are pretty and skinny while the guys are macho and to die for. Makes you wish you where there. Plus the clothes. So pretty. But we musnt forget the bitchiness. It's always there wherever you go and on Gossip Girl it's extreme. Ha.

Reminder: Download more Gossip Girl episodes.