Numb

It has been a while.

Many things have happened since my last post, which probably means I need to post more often but takes too much effort really, for no one to read in the end so what's the point. Aside from something to read in the future of course. And I'm surprised no one has found this blog considering it is public but that may be due to my constant changing of the url which I don't actually know what it is anymore.

So moving on, I died my hair again. More accurately I got it done at the salon, full head of foils and so I'm now half blonde. I'm halfway with it considering not many people like it or complimented me on it. They just stare at me for a second and start talking about something else which I think means that they don't like it. However, recently I've been actually trying to try and bother styling my hair and I'm kinda liking it now. I think it's just everyone's attitude towards me that's causing me to feel like this towards myself. Which shouldn't really affect me cause F em.

On a much warmer note, it actually feels like summer now. Or at least spring so I've taken this opportunity to constantly go to the beach, cause why not? And here are just some photos which we're taken. (Still fatlol)

sis, moi and cuz @ Bondi

wasn't at the beach but hey they're my bestfsss ♥

Aside from the beach, I don't think that I've been living my life to the potential. Maybe because I'm allowing others to control my life and thus not furthering my networks and what not but I'm constantly feeling sad and alone and all that kind of emotion. It's probably because I was PMS-ing but I also know the other reason. I guess I just wished that you had more courtesy towards me, or at least my feelings. I don't think I've put as much effort as I have in our friendship compared to others and for some reason this is how I'm treated. Maybe it's by accident but still, I feel neglected. Rejected? Yes, rejected. I thought that the Jasmine who always got rejected was left behind in high school. But it seems that this feeling has come back and I have no choice but to suck it up and move on because I'm afraid that if I start making a big deal out of it or telling someone I will just burden them or become a drama queen which I don't like seeing on others and especially not myself. I've just left it at that I guess. There's nothing between us. There never was. Fuar, it just seems like I wasted my time again though. I keep making the same mistake and I never seem to learn. And in the end I'm the one who's hurt. Like I'm being punished for not listening to the people around me who told me this and that yet I persistantly believe that for once I'm making the right decision. Well, Jasmine, you're not. So grow up.

Less rant more happy bloggy stuff. Got mid-sem marks back as well as my MPO assignment. I've managed to pass all of them, some barely (ACCOUNTING) but overall I'm content considering the amount of effort which went into those assessments. For some reason it's not getting to my head that I need to get my act together and start focusing on my education, cause honestly it's all I've got right now. That and work. What even is a social life. I mean it's not existing for me really. My friends are all busy. My other "friends" don't even speak to me. And I struggle making friends as it is. My self esteem is at it's all time low and I'm just relying on my make up and dressing skills to cheer myself up and at least make myself feel beautiful or somewhat like that. So yeah, uni. Not really motivated but I'm putting more effort into that now. I guess.

And my all time fave, I'm seeing him on Saturday. I think? I hope so. I'm kinda excited. Haven't seen him in a while and well he really has been there for me all the time. I just chose to ignore because sometimes he pissed me off (but then who doesn't, right?). I'm kinda hoping to spend the whole afternoon with him and then have dinner but I'm so worried that I won't be able to enjoy my day for some unforeseen reasons but I'm still looking forward to it.

Lastly, my arm is numb. Like numb. I got Implanon inserted in my arm and well they put in anasthesia (ceebs dictionary) and she said it takes a few seconds to take affect but like it was affecting me yet and she cut my arm and put it in and stung like OMG but then lucky the anasthesia did kick in and now my arm is just numb. Then stupid me decided to transfer the rain water to the other tank, manually, one bucket at a time and now my arm feels really weak. Plus I have like a bandage on it so I full had to work out what clothes I was going to wear otherwise my mum would've asked me WTF is that and WTF. It would not have ended well...

To summarise, everything around me is pretty hectic aside from myself which is stationary and boring and lifeless and honestly, I just have no motivation to do anything, well because I just don't. People suck. People suck because they don't realise they hurt my feelings even though I've told them how sensitive I am. And I'm not even overreacting. I have some patience, but after a while, why wait?

In the end you're just going to be alone anyway.

Apology is Not Good Enough

I am unbelievable, yet believable. 

Lol, that was lame but my point is I'm a disgrace and I don't deserve anything good that's been given to me, because all of it is a gift. I don't understand how someone like me, who was taught to grow up to be a pure, chaste young lady turned out to be who I am right now. I've lost my values and morals and I've let loose on everything that I believe in. I have little belief in the things around me. I don't know why but it's insane. I'm insane. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up in a mental hospital one day.

THINGS WHICH HAS/WILL MAKE ME INSANE

right now the only thing on that list is




TOWERS

f to the you to the CK.
:/

Get Over It

Currently: Good Girls Go Bad Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester

LOVELY.
that's Katrina.

What is there to talk about? Usually I can write pages and pages of the most random stuff ever all just made up and now I'm just speechless and have no clue what to talk about. Is it just me or am I growing up and getting over everything and sick and tired of it. Really. I have no idea. I'm probably just being a random old me and doing what I always do. Be me. But who am I?

I went driving today, first time I drove with a passenger. It's s annoying how I get so distracted easily and like there, distracted again. But whatever. Driving it was fun. Although it wasn't a long drive, it was enough for me. Plus on the good side I got home @ 4 ! Woo. That's like so awesome because that's a whole hour earlier than the time I would have arrived home if I had caught the bus home. That makes me so happy.

I don't wish to complain anymore than I have today even though there's a lot more where this came from. I think just keeping things to myself is the easiest way to live my life maybe write in my diary haha but yeah I'm all good for now even though I still feel that things have changed majorly. I don't really, well not in the mood to discuss anything on this topic so like just smile and wave. I mean if it can work for penguins then a human would easily be capable of doing the same thing. And with a face like mine, no one can resist it :P

Party in the USA !

gusto ko kea mag punta doon. kaso alang pera tapos meron pa akong skwela. nakakainis talaga. pero, ano magagawa ko. ganito naman sa lahat nang tao.

there's ups...

...and downs.

that's fucking gay

thats fucking gay. to the max
it's just not fair.

why cant other people go.
if only the plans were made differently.
GAH!
it better be fun, otherwise it'd be such a waste of time and money.

aaargh !
thats so unfair.
that wasnt even the original plan.
why did it even have to be that ?!??!?!

hmph.
fcuk you people

Knowledge isn't Everything

Fantastic news. You're the new Prime Minister of Australia !

Things like that, I wouldn't mind because it's a great achievement. I know that is slightly just exggerated but it's understandable. But the point is do we really have to know every single damn thing. Sometimes not everything has to be known. This is what it feels like. I'm going to list down every single thing about me that people will tell me about (but like about themselve, so like the same subject kinda thing).

- i went shopping the other day
- mr cantlon is funny
- jordan kept texting taruns phone when davi had it
- nothing fun happens anymore
- katrina may not be going to the party tomorrow
- i saw pat and adrian play guitar
- cried my little heart out
- donated blood
- fainted
- sad that i didn't get a milkshake
- got the board in archery
- wore mufti

etc.
all that. like seriously. no one wants to know those things. who effing cares. because i seriously don't

Giving Up

I’ve been lying to myself. I'm trying to show myself that I'm happy. The truth is I am happy but there’s times when I just want to cry because I know that something isn’t right and that I don’t really have what I want. But on that basis not everyone gets what they want. There’s just not balance in that. So, the reason I wanted to talk about this was because I saw Bilal today. Really, yeah. He was one of my classmates at my old school and I once had a thing for me. At first I didn’t think that I liked him and that I'm just a stupid little girl. But now that I'm older and more mature and realising my true feelings towards others I kinda miss him. We weren’t close. Well at one point we were. Me, Samantha, Tyler and Bilal. We were a group that was happy and hung around each other at lunchtime and played handball. Those good old days. But as the years passed I began focusing on my studies, Tyler & Bilal and Samantha on whatever she was doing and we seemed to just separate. Thinking about it just makes me want to cry. I'm so sad (the stupid, lame, sad). Back to the story. In year 5 or maybe 6 I had a crush on him or liked him whichever one and in year 5 was the year I started going down. The people whom I hung around were very influential and they were the so-called ‘popular’ group and I was part of that. And so I liked him. But because of my genius ability he treated me like a calculator and whenever he saw me he would always ask me multiplication questions which I found annoying but what can I do. So yeah. I don’t know. The same thing still happens to me. I'm still the same unwanted girl except now I'm not even the smart one. I don’t have any traits that people like; even my laugh is becoming more and more hideous as days pass. I think it might be your fault. Not just you but a lot of you put together. All of you have impacted on so many parts of my life which has turned me into who I am now. Confused about who I am and always doubting every decision I make because of the fear of what you did to me occurring again. And you know what it hurts. Bad. I'm not gonna listen to what anyone says. I know that I'm not the best person in the world nor am I the prettiest and I'm quite sure that I'm overweight and if you are going to tell me that I'm not overweight and it’s just baby fat or muscle then FUCK off. I don’t give a fuck what you think because I know the truth and it’s time for me to accept who I really am and see me as me without pretending to be anyone else and try so hard to fit in with everyone else even though I know that I'm the odd one out. The one who’s always quiet because she doesn’t belong. I don’t like that. I don’t like being excluded. Nor do I like being included because you feel sorry for me or because you have to. I just want to fit in with people who are there. I just want one person who I can rely on and is HERE in Australia. I know that if I was in Philippines life would be a blast because I have family and friends there and we had the money too. AND for fuck’s sake people I'm not fucking rich. Gosh. I can’t even save money. The money I have, I have to work for that and I'm annoyed now. This was just meant to be a heartfelt blog and now it’s turned into something else. IT’S YOU FUCKING FAULT. Why did you have to exist in my life?

Today was late. I don’t like being late very much. Now that I'm in SRC and actually got what I wanted I don’t want it to be thrown away because of the bus driver. It’s not fair. The day was rather short really. Maths, well it was maths. No ANGEL either, so I was quite disappointed. Commerce on the other hand, well it was boring too. But the good thing is that for once I understood what the lesson was about, the first time in a long time. And that made me feel proud. At lunchtime it was funny because Xu was annoying us and he was trying to kick the ball and he failed. Literally. I, Jasmine, the retard who just sucks at soccer, is better than Xu. Woah huh. It was hilarious. Sport was afterwards which was the same as last week. Full of fun and laughter. I can’t help it. I just laugh at the most random things and I don’t like it. It’s actually really annoying. Highlights were teasing Jasmine and Himmat’s goals, Jasmine’s headbutt ? I forgot what it was called. I'm pretty sure is not that. The thing you do when you hit the ball with your head. Uhm playing Around the World with Anavi which we didn’t actually finish, the freak bus which started vibrating and freaked me out (and made me look like a super idiot because I jumped out of my seat), my REALLY REALLY REALLY lame call about how I’ve made so many fail calls to Sukhman and I was like something about calling him on his phone. Basically it was just that bad. Then we got back to school and I decided that I wanted to go home early and walked really fast and still managed to miss the train as I have been doing a lot lately (the miss the train part) so I went back to the plaza and sat there with Jasmine and Himmat. Oooh, I showed them my arm right and Himmat was like woah that’s huge and he was like arm wrestle and he said it feels like I'm vs.ing a tank guy and I stopped and looked at his arm cause they were huge too and then I realised that he just called me a guy and had a mini go at him and then I slapped my head and then he and jasmine made fun of that. He then began to mock me and it was funny shit. Jasmine² couldn’t stop laughing and it was just funny. We went to the station and we ran up the stairs. Wow, was I in pain. But yeah, now I'm home so it’s all good. I'm being a good girl and helping my mum because I have to make up for tomorrow and I know what I gonna wear. Kinda.

At the moment it feels like I can relate to the song I Hate That I Love You & Been Waiting. I don’t know why but whatever right. HAHA. One last thing:

I'm over you, so get over yourself.

Arrivederci.

I Can Do You Like That, That, That

We all know that today was the first day back to school. I expected it to be quiet and not as joyful. At a few times this was the case but then again, on days when everyone is there those 'moments' occur too. Especially if you're me. Today was also my first day in SRC. I don't know if I should be writing it here but this is how I feel and thought. At first I thought SRC would be a great and fun experience and have the chance to represent my grade etc. Once I did get the position I started feeling regretful because I didn't quite expect to receive a position as such. It wasn't right and I don't like it when things aren't right. I don't know. I don't think this is the right time to say it and I will leave it for later. Gosh, I feel so stupid today. Not just because of this but nothing would register and I found myself just staring at the wall or the ground or whatever and whenever people spoke to me I would just be in a world of my own. I was hopeless and I really did not like it. No more gay things. Today was good. People, leave me alone, seriously, let me do what I WANT to do.

Something came to mind when I read Exclamation Mark's blog. The one from the 14th. I didn't like it. Not as in it was a bad thing but it was more of a sad thing. But as I was told it's a person's blog and they should be able to express their own feelings. Well this is how I feel. Some people may look like they're taking their life and family for granted but inside it worries them shit. Because for me I try not to think about death and death altogether because it's not a funny topic. The thought of that happening to my family is sad and I don't want to talk about it. But I just want to make the most of now. The time I have with them. The time when I can be happy and have no worries because one day I will have worries but I don't want to waste this time. I just want to feel good and satisfied and lucky, lucky to have all that I have. Why make more problems when there's enough problems out there. AAAHhh, I've overdone it again. Stuff it.

GOODBYE.

Unfair

THIS IS UNECESSARY!



This is what I get for telling someone I like them. The feeling of unworthiness and just not good enough. Do I not deserve to be happy? What did I do wrong to receive this? Sometimes I wish that I never went to Australia. Now I have double the problems I had before. At least I expected it, but everytime I read it and think about it...I still have the same reaction that same feeling of being unwanted.

I know what it reminds me of now. You know how in movies, just before people die they say their life flashes before them. This is similar to what is happening to me. All those good times we had, I keep seeing it and it just makes me sad becaseu I know I've ruined that and I also know that things won't be the same ever again. Now matter how hard he tries or anyone else because I know how stubborn I am.

This is the first thing that comes to mind: shit. Seriously, there's no point in those (i forgot) now. He was the reason I could stay happy and stay normal but without him there's nothing that can keep me together and you know how stupid I feel now very. I need a new blog. People know thise one and anyone can read it. Gosh! I want to cry. I am sad. I really am and I just want to cry. And I'm not ok. Just, just don't ask me why. Aaargh. Now I want to scream. On top of all that I'm fat and that doesn't help anything. Aaargh. Stupid me. I'm a fat loser who always get rejected by everyone. I mean I don't mind where I am now but I'm not happy. Not completely anway. I know that people can't have everything they want but I would sacri... No, I wouldn't because I know I still wouldn't get what I want. I should just stop wasting my time.

I am now alone, and that I'm sure of.

Pain

Work Experience Summary Day 3

fun: 7
boring: 1
people: 9
stress: 2
work: 6

My day today at work experience is so much better especially compared to yesterday. I did the usual and more which was nice. I was actually part of the team now and I felt like I was making a contribution which was good. I got to to a listing and if you get Australian Real Estate to advertise your house you'll get a card and guess who got to write one today. Not me. HAHA. You know why? Because I got to do two. I'm easily amazed by things. So yeah. The mood inside the room was really nice. Although to them it was really boring to me it felt so good. And Debbie right she asked me to show her how to use Photoshop and I felt smart because I was getting to show her how to do something. Oooh, I got to laminate stuff today and use the guilatine, or however you spell it.

The bad parts of my day. Dad comes to work right, like to where I was and asks my boss if he can speak to me and so we go outside and he shows me a piece of paper and it was a warning letter from the school, because I failed history and I didn't know what to do because crying wasn't going to be an option. So yeah I failed that which sucks, BIG time. But whatever.

Swimming. I broke down. I did. I couldn't help myself but I just had to. I was swimming the third thing of the first set and I just could't do it anymore. The only reason I didn't give up was because I'm not ready to die yet and drown. But I was crying. Underwater and swearing and I couldn't stop it. I was just annoyed at everything. And the swimming was so hard that I couldn't breathe which didn't help at all. But luckily the swimming slowed down and we were only doing 25 metres things so I'm fine now.

JUST TIRED.

Enough is Enough

Exams are on this week and they've begun. Big woop!

Anyways, I'm sick of people talking about exams and stressing about it. I'm actually trying to relax and get myself prepared but everyone just keeps talking about it which is getting really annoying now. And don't you dare tell me that you failed that exam if I ask you how you went. There's a chance that you could have but don't tell me you failed until you have. Try to be optimistic because that will ruin your whole game. Take me for example, I'm happy and relaxed because I've prepared myself. Even if it may be in the last minute but I'm prepared. I'm not running around trying to get answers for this and that and stressing other people out. Firstly, it's not healthy and secondly, think about what the other person is feeling. Do they realy want to be disturbed, that's when you decide whether or not you should talk to them.

Enough about that. I didn't want to go into detail with that but in the end I do anyway. The main point I wanted to say was how annoyed I am at everyone. Right now I'm seeing them as fakes and I don't like it. I admit I'm a fake but I have reason to be. But other people, other people do it just to be a bitch and seriously it's not cool. I've noticed that now people are showing their true colours to me and they're proving to me that they ain't worth my time. People don't like me. I know that, but why won't they tell me? I'm not gonna go and eat you if you tell me you have me. Just give me constructive advice on how I could be a better friend or what I'm doing wrong. I mean I'm not going to completely change just for you. It's just not me. I am who I am so tough luck. But yeah, my main point was people don't like me and they're showing it good.

How was my today.
Apart from the exams really nothing much occured as everyone was too busy with the stressing with the whole exams thing. It's not me and maybe that's the reason why I won't be talking to you because I don't like your aura and all that kinda shit. Hmmm, another thing was with the whole PJ thing. She wouldn't believe me at first and when I finally did get her to believe me I burst and ended up telling her the truth which kinda ruined part of the whole thing. But no more on that because it'll give away the whole thing. For now people, laters I'm not gonna study but I can't leave my blog opened for long because I'm risking my sister or mother reaading it.

"To love is hard."

;]

Stupid

There's so many things I could say. But this is all I'm going to day.

I'm stupid and I make the worst decisions ever.

1 day till Birthday !

Learn to drive.

;]

great

im on the computer 7.51 in the morning getting in the morning.
Im such an idiot.
Im gonna be late.

..........................................

;]

extremely bored

right now i'm really bored. and im not sure what i should do. here are my options:

• cry
• commerce
• english
• read
• sleep

but really. all i feel like is to cry. not because of anything now and no one has hurt me. Well no one but me. I don't know why i always do this. I think about the past and all the things which had occured, good and bad. And i think to myself, why can't think be like that now? Or why did that have to happen. Maybe I'm just keeping to much to myself at the moment. But i'm pretty sure i'm being open with all the things i say. It's not like all these things in the past have been holding me back from moving on. Or maybe i'm just thinking too much and that I should stop wasting my time and think about my future. But then I think again, and I'm just like OH SHIT ! Two years from now I'll be in year 12. why did time move so fast. A couple of years ago I was just a year seven and very noobish. More than I am now. Eager to learn and very curios with everything around her. Now, I've given up. Rebelled against some and others, forgotten. My life. I like it. I'm just hoping that I don't have to think and that I should just do. Do and no regrets. But then again. Ive done heaps of those things too. I feel like listing them so:

1. dye my hair, which actually does look nice
2. cut my hair, again it actually does look nice
3. pretend to be someone else and act like i'm ok. it's helped me cope i guess, and it's not like anyone has noticed. well not until they've read this.
4. things which can't be mentioned cause theyre rated R.
5. and hurting myself, emotionally. it doesnt really hurt, thats why i dont regre it, at all.

So yeah. I could think of many things which have happened to me; good and bad. I could name a lot just from today. But moving on from this. It's just so hard. I don't know what to expect. Maybe that's why people live their life as a game. They never know what to expect, and they never know what's going to happen to them, yet they still live it to the max. But I feel like I'm part of a domino line. Just like everyone else, and falls with everyone else, and doesn't know how to differ herself from everyone else except exclude herself from everyone and hide things...

On a positive note, today was better than i expected it to be. I had my history in class essay. Which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I managed to write more than I'd expected. I really just want to do better. Do the best I possibly can. But i've been holding things off. Ive been distracted. I shouldn't let things like that happen to me. I should be strong. *sigh. But i know, no matter what I do, i'm going to forget and fail, fail it all. Back to the positive note. Basketball was pretty fun. I didn't expect it to be as it was but it was fun. And walking to the station with Alyssa and the guys was so random. Fine but random and very, well let's just say it wasn't appropriate, especially that Alyssa was there. And somehow i still make a fool of myself when I was getting off the train and walking backwards up the stairs (not a good idea), didn't realise there was a step there and fell on my bottom right in front of everyone, where they could all see and laugh at me. Oh well. At least I can still make people happy, I haven't lost that ability yet. And when i do. That's when I should reconsider my life and do something with it. For now I'm good.

See I can end things on a positive note, which I guess is a good thing because I need to sleep happy and not crying. But now that I think about it i stil feel like crying. Again it's no ones fault. I really just do miss Philippines. I mean, I had a life there once too. And you can't expect me to just move on from it. I thought I had, but seeing them and talking to them, reminds me of the good 'ol times. Times when I was happy and nothing to worry about, times when I didn't have to try so hard speaing tagalog and everyone could understand me when I spoke in English, times when i fitted in easily, without trying so hard. Times when I was Jasmine,and just Jasmine with no one else to think about and none of this complaining being done...

I've done a lot today. My time was slower. 9.48. DAYUM. Hmm, it's ok I guess. I'm not gonna complain about this. I've done too much already.

Laters,..
;]

LOL

confused to the max = jasmine

yar :(


help me.

i can't stop thinking
but now i'm having second thoughts too
.......


btw.
Sumeet is a gay biatch.