Another Year 2013

Wow, it's already March 2013 and a lot has definitely happened since my last blog post but to go through everything would just be tedious. Right now, something simple such as expressing my true feelings would complete this post as well as allowing me to feel a little more free.

Horrible.

That is how I feel, but it does tend to juggle with happiness, joy? grief...jealous. I'm filled with mixed emotions unsure of whether it's just part of being a woman or I have been deeply affect. I'm constantly feeling stressed from the pressure of the people around me. Though it would seem like it is just me who is putting this so-called pressure on my imaginary bubble.

Someone, burst my bubble.

No, my hair no longer looks like that.

my, my, my

oh fudge apple.

everything is all wrong.
this means that EVERYTHING IS NOT RIGHT.
i didn't plan anything
except i had expected things to be different
you know where the princess gets her happy ending


i'm not going to say it again because this topic which i'm thinking of probably has a life of it's own because of its repetitiveness and that well and truly sucks you know. i dont like the idea of me thinking about it but everytime i do it kinda is the right answer although to myself i'm not making any sense. some people are right and some are just plain wrong. they are just selfish and sometimes can't see what a person is going through. maybe if people had tried to open their eyes and saw things the way i do, that way i get hurt and the way i see myself being totally something. this is such a complete waste of my time. but because i dont really have anything worth spending it on this is the most useful way to spend it. i don't even know why i bother sometimes.

towers you effing suck
i dont even know why i'm even doing this,
esp. when i know that i dont have to.

that's shit

i just got a call from the aus. blood bank or w/eva it's called.

the lady said try not to donate blood again until after like two years or something. that's not fair. maybe i just was too tired or not hydrated enough. i like donating blood. I enjoy the feeling that my blood may be saving someone else's life. that really sucks.


BTW.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIMMAT !
hope you have a greatday and great presents.



DAMN IT. i'm so annoyed.


science tomorrow.
:D

oh and health. psht. who cares. exam mark is only 15% of report mark anyway so like i get 50% doesnt make much difference. Well i don't want to fail but still.

Here goes.

People like O to the M to the G.
LIKE FMGOSSHHHH!
how can you be like that.
must we tell you word for word
can't you just see for yourself
what you're doing
and that it ain't right.

how people get pissed off
at the things you do
at the things you don't do
and how you do those things
seriously !!! FMMMGGGGOSH !
it's not effing right.
it's not in black and white.

do you need instructions
on how to live a life
that people are happy with
and not always annoyed at
or is it because your too thick
i really don't know
but gawd. FUUUUDDGEE !

im so glad about this week
kinda. yes, actually i am
i don't know why but i just am
and that's a good thing
right ? or write?
LAWL. get it, cause i wrote it.
HAHAH.

damn you !
you're so unfair to everyone...

i love my friends :D


or maybe i don't.
you never really know.
but jasmine does.
hehe. get it ?
haha. another lame and dry joke
wait no it's not.
it's raining.
:P

Not Right

By now you'd expect things to be normal and perfect and happy. I wish that scenario was the case and I could live happily ever after. But no. At this time, or any time soon I don't think that will be my life. I've grown closer to a lot of people whilst others we seem to part as the days pass by. It's quite sad really because I fail at the whole friendship thing. I can't seem to keep much friends. It's not them, wait. Let me say it like this: It's not you, it's me. HAHA, that's so corny. I remember Jensen and he was asking me for an excuse to tell his now ex-ex girlfriend and me being the retarded idiot I am told him to tell her that. Luckily he didn't listen to me which was probably a good thing.

I'm kinda having thoughts on what, scratch that. I just don't like it. And uhm, well other people are awesome but not everyone is special. No one gets what I mean because I'm confusing so good. But if you do understand what I mean then you get me and no need to tell me and great work.

Really annoyed right now. At school, at people, at life.
it's true. I'm shit at life.

So yesterday right. I told everyone about the Pat and Sandon story. Well that's a lie. I summarised it and practically left out all the feelings and emotion in the story. Here's what really happened.

One fine day after Patrick found out that his true man has left him for some bogan he felt lonely and just couldn't live life anymore. Lucky for him, his bed buddy, Sandon, was there to make him feel better. In his quest he suggested that they play hit a ball with a ball. This required them to throw a ball at each other's balls. At first it was just simple fun and games but soon it turned into an event which everyone began to watch. It was a nailbiting game, many of the shots off the target by a few centimetres. The bags came off everyone was moving in closer to get a greater view, suddenly Sandon's bus arrived and Pat had the last shot. He shoots but Sandon decides to be a chicken and moves when the ball was about to get him. Wow, what an experience.

Bloated

These holidays have made me realise a lot of things. Things which has made me feel either positive or negative towards myself and the existence of life itself. But all those realisations, to me, right now, they don't matter...

Mum had a dinner party and gosh I'm full. I feel like my stomach is going to explode from all the food and all who came was just one other family. But the food was enough for a whole town in South Africa. Anyways I'm annoyed at Alyssa at the moment and everything she's doing AT THE MOMENT and moments afterwards as well is irritating me and I don't like it.

July

A lot of things this month, too many that I'm not going to bother mentioning any because even that I'm too lazy to do. School, parties, life, all those things will change. Especially my life. It already has, for the better, I'm not so sure about that but you never know.

Is that all you can do?

I cry, I cry till I see myself in the mirror, seeing who I've become because of what you've done to me. Hey, I know, life's not fair, but neither are you. I want everything, but I'm not getting anything because I don't deserve it. I don't work for it. If only I could run away and leave everything as it is. Things would be better for everyone and one day, people would act as if I never existed. That would be nice, although that won't happen, I'm not fair.

I'm not making sense, neither is this stupid life of jasmine.

Which reminds me, my friend, I read your blog. There's no need to say anything more. I understand just as you hopefully understand me. Apart from that learn to just listen, listen to what I want and now what you think I want. I think that's it and I'm sorry.

Sick of Everything

FFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

This is me annoyed.

If that wasn't obvious enough.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Ah shit.

Now I'm swearing

Shit!

Something's wrong with me.

Oh gosh.

My Head Hurts

Two things:

1. Bye Michael Jackson. In my eyes I saw nothing wrong with the things you've done. Everything was your choice and no one should judge you by that and rock on, or should I say pop on.

2. I'm sick. Horribly sick. Well not anymore. But the wors part was the fact that the doctor said I may have swine flu and the thought of that just freaked me out even more. At least now I'm getting better so I'm hoping that that means I don't actually have it. I have a headache though and last night i reached 40C which is really hot.

*i missed a day of blogging but who cares. I'm effing sick but I'm still annoyed at myself for being sick.

Unfair

THIS IS UNECESSARY!



This is what I get for telling someone I like them. The feeling of unworthiness and just not good enough. Do I not deserve to be happy? What did I do wrong to receive this? Sometimes I wish that I never went to Australia. Now I have double the problems I had before. At least I expected it, but everytime I read it and think about it...I still have the same reaction that same feeling of being unwanted.

I know what it reminds me of now. You know how in movies, just before people die they say their life flashes before them. This is similar to what is happening to me. All those good times we had, I keep seeing it and it just makes me sad becaseu I know I've ruined that and I also know that things won't be the same ever again. Now matter how hard he tries or anyone else because I know how stubborn I am.

This is the first thing that comes to mind: shit. Seriously, there's no point in those (i forgot) now. He was the reason I could stay happy and stay normal but without him there's nothing that can keep me together and you know how stupid I feel now very. I need a new blog. People know thise one and anyone can read it. Gosh! I want to cry. I am sad. I really am and I just want to cry. And I'm not ok. Just, just don't ask me why. Aaargh. Now I want to scream. On top of all that I'm fat and that doesn't help anything. Aaargh. Stupid me. I'm a fat loser who always get rejected by everyone. I mean I don't mind where I am now but I'm not happy. Not completely anway. I know that people can't have everything they want but I would sacri... No, I wouldn't because I know I still wouldn't get what I want. I should just stop wasting my time.

I am now alone, and that I'm sure of.

My Hair's Wet

I realised that tomorrow is Monday. Yeah, I know, oh my god right. Ha, no, I'm just saying that the past week has been so relaxing for me with no school work to do and all that stuff but now I can just tell I'm in week of a rollercoaster ride with its ups and downs. I know what to expect, but how I'm going to handle it is a totally different thing. If only I was a real person. That's not right. I am a real person. I'm utterly confused right now. I'm in the middle of everything when I just want to be in a space of my own nothingness.

Pain

Work Experience Summary Day 3

fun: 7
boring: 1
people: 9
stress: 2
work: 6

My day today at work experience is so much better especially compared to yesterday. I did the usual and more which was nice. I was actually part of the team now and I felt like I was making a contribution which was good. I got to to a listing and if you get Australian Real Estate to advertise your house you'll get a card and guess who got to write one today. Not me. HAHA. You know why? Because I got to do two. I'm easily amazed by things. So yeah. The mood inside the room was really nice. Although to them it was really boring to me it felt so good. And Debbie right she asked me to show her how to use Photoshop and I felt smart because I was getting to show her how to do something. Oooh, I got to laminate stuff today and use the guilatine, or however you spell it.

The bad parts of my day. Dad comes to work right, like to where I was and asks my boss if he can speak to me and so we go outside and he shows me a piece of paper and it was a warning letter from the school, because I failed history and I didn't know what to do because crying wasn't going to be an option. So yeah I failed that which sucks, BIG time. But whatever.

Swimming. I broke down. I did. I couldn't help myself but I just had to. I was swimming the third thing of the first set and I just could't do it anymore. The only reason I didn't give up was because I'm not ready to die yet and drown. But I was crying. Underwater and swearing and I couldn't stop it. I was just annoyed at everything. And the swimming was so hard that I couldn't breathe which didn't help at all. But luckily the swimming slowed down and we were only doing 25 metres things so I'm fine now.

JUST TIRED.

SCHOOL SPIRIT WEEK ;]

this week is school spirit week, I only realized this now because i just looked at someone's blog, but like how can anyone forget that it is school spirit week. Maybe because of this horrible weather or maybe because of that fact that no one is in the mood to be having school spirit. But whatever it is, it's just so crap. This is my worst School Spirit Week yet and I don't like it. Especially today, because my hair wasn't even wacky because if i did anything it would just die because of the rain. Anyways enough of that. Far out, I'm so annoyed at my dad because he took so long on my computer yesterday that I was so sleepy and couldn't be be bothered wating for him to finish and AAARGH, so i missed one day of blogging which far out, i havent done yet. But now ruined. So yeah, but im all good now. OH wait, no im not. NOW i have to write about today AND yesterday. But actually I wont.

Basically it rained today and we had double periods. And like it was quite funny + boring + random + depressing + high on sugar (subway cookies)... I caught the early train with Lara at Kingswood and saw other people at the next stop. yeah, yeah... all the usual.

Yesterday, it was raining too. We had mufti though. I wore clothes. Someone looked hot ;) Dude, sukhman frgn piggybacked me. I was freaking out because I thought I was gonna fall, BUT I was NOT crying. So yeah. Uhm peer support is so over and i'm so happy about that. pe yesterday too, BEEP test. Didn't try then dodgeball i tried. Now my arms are aching. LOL, i deserved it. I observed intense flirting (haha, only I and jasmine know). Apart from that. Oh yeah and that night before yesterday. talking to pat on msn, and playing truth. It was effing disgusting and let's not ever speak of it again. NOT LOL !

laters,..
;]



WORD OF YESTERDAY: ANNOYED
WORD OF TODAY: JUMPY

random

today was really random.

we got to wear mufti today and all the money raised was going to the victims of the recent bushrfires in victoria. the thought of what happened to them makes you think about your own life but then again it doesnt. but yes. today was random. the clothes i had worn today one of my guy friends actually chose i for me. which i found quite odd but he does have a good sense of fashion because I guess i did look ok. in first period was had to go to a formal assembly which was extremely boring but we did get to miss out on commerce and I guess that would be so much better anyway. next period was Italian, this was probably the funnest subject I had today because of two of my friends and my brother were sitting next to me and they were quite happy and so was I and the fact the teacher wasnt there and we had the most clueless casual teacher. Anyways one of my friend said something about two months later i was going to be going out with a guy who was sitting right next to her and I was just laughing but I was like it would be too late, but i still manage to grin.

next period was maths and we had a stupid casual but it turned out to be ok i guess, everyone was just talking in the end and she didn't seem to mind. Lunch was eventful, events which i particularly didn't like. who wants to go up to a guy who liked one of your close friends and ask them if they still do (I'm so sorry Jasmine, I have to let it out). And i guess i did feel bad asking him. But we had this conversation and I just didn't know what to do and all I could think of doing was crying. But I managed to hold my emotions back and talk to another group of friends. Bell rang and those stupid guys started saying I'm seeing double & another Jasmine ? and i just got to the point where I would and did explode so I hit two of them and the deputy principal just happened to be there and it was Just My Luck. There was trouble, she was just like, next time tell me. and I was just like OK. Then left for English and just about to explode into tears, but then makeup was like on today so I was like, aarhh. not today. In english it was fun. I was just wasting my time and money and my story/character description was awesome. HAHA.

After school I was at the front wating with Kuya because, basically if i'd gone to the back I wouldn't really be doing anything anyway so i was just there. And I was glad to talk to him again. It seems like not complete me, but fixed a part of me which really needed a cool older brother who DOES care. Not that I can compare him to anyone else seeing as I dont have a blood brother. But soon they had to leave and I went to the back. Waiting there with people seemed to have made my mood change dramatically and I ended up being piss all the way home. Especially on the day they were all up the back having fun while I was being a silly little bitch sulking to myself and using music to cover up any emotion.

Now I'm just here, on the computer. I was reading but was told to clean up my room and I guess it's slightly cleaner. hehe. I'm gonna read some more, so I can read Breaking Dawn. I still don't see why everyone went crazy for the whole series of those books. HAHA
Laters,..