Revelation

I didn't actually want to write again but I felt like if I wrote then maybe all the feelings inside of me would disappear and let me concentrate on studying for this exam.

I have mixed feelings, towards everyone. The people who you expect to be the biggest dick towards you turns out to be really nice and as much as they may not show it, you can just tell that they're really sincere, thought at times you might just be hallucinating and no they're not really nice. However, there's others who you have high expectations from, as friends and people who would, SHOULD care about and understand how you feel but instead creates problems which you never expect would have occurred.

I'm studying for Engineering. I actually find it quite interesting. On top of that it's distracting me from the people around me and all the issues which come along with it. I don't like how things are. This post is pretty much contradicting my previous one, WHICH was only written a few hours ago. But right now, I feel like sometimes me and my boyfriend weren't meant to be. There's always forces keeping us apart and if not that, people preventing us from being together. Am I that horrible and mean of a person that I have to suffer with this, let alone with the guy whom I love most. I'm not the only one suffering, or so I hope. I mean, if I'm the only one suffering this is life's way of torturing me after all that I've done in the past.

I just want to be free. I don't want to be held back by anyone anymore. I want to be able to do what I want to do without having to worry about others, judging and telling that it's not right. Maybe I know it's not right, but sometimes I have to experience these things for myself and learn and be able to learn from these mistakes. I want to experience new things. I want the adrenaline, the rush, just everything. I don't want to be held back. Which is why when I turn 18 I'm considering getting a tattoo. I don't know what yet, but I will. Not to rebel, but just to have that feeling running through my veins. The feeling where no one has held me back and allowed me to make my own decision. I don't care if it's a mistake. At times, actually, I know that my mistakes have led to good things. I remember that one day, I jigged school to get away from everyone and went to the house of the person who could comfort me and allow me to forget all the issues and troubles I was in. He took me to his home, especially during a critical time in his hs life, yet he did not worry. He did not care that he could be in trouble for allowing me to enter the home of his parents. He talked with me, he spent the day with me, my gosh we studied in our underwear. Of course that person is special to me and he's still that loving person that he was. If people understand how I feel about him and could just be like him then maybe I won't be like this. Is it that hard to empathize with others and maybe see how they feel.

What the freaking heck am I on about. Sometimes I can just go on about nothing yet for some reason it makes sense to me later and it also removes the weight within me. Like right now, I actually feel good. I've made mistakes and I should learn to accept the consequences. And now I can go back to studying for that exam.

laters bychezzz


p.s. sorry if write a lot and that it's a complete eyesore. I just have a lot on my mind and I'd like to free myself from it, even if it means writing on an online blog where no one will ever read it. I guess that's what so good about. Oh and PJ might read it, she's not nothing. I kinda hope she doesn't though. Don't want her to see how much of a loser I really am, if she hasn't seen it already.

I Thought Wrong

Like always I've made another mistake. A mistake where it's too late and I can't go back in time. A mistake people come up with the unimaginable things such as time machines.

Finally, all those weeks and months that I've waited to get what I want and now that I have it, I don't want it. It's just made things worse for me. I thought this was going to change everything. And you know what it has. The change that I didn't want. It's not fair. Why can't I be happy and have what I want at the same time. Today I saw a replay of that one day I was in the toilet because of my maths half yearly mark. I couldn't control myself and I just felt so alone and stuck. I didn't want to be there but where was I meant to go. Ever since, I don't know when ever since but I don't want to go into the state of unhappiness. I really don't.

Wednesday. Arrived at school; late because of an overturned truck. Geography was somewhat boring but I managed to maintain interested as the lesson dragged on. At recess I, what's it called. Oh yeah, I had a breakdown and so for a few minutes I disappeared into the nothingness. That's when I saw Ivy & Fiona and Ivy herself was worried she looked like a retard in front of thingo. HAHA. For second period we had that meeting again for the subjects and I was just cold and wore two jumpers. At lunch was just talking to Anavi then telling her everything that I had asked, finally. LOL. Then sport. Basically it was just people getting hurt or hit by the ball every minute (literally) and me laughing at them nonstop. And the wonderful thing was I scored a goal. Too bad it was an own goal. But I nearly got this other goal right and no one was at the goals and I was like a metre away and guess what; I missed :) So sport was really good and funny. After school, plaza and got mama a present for her birthday and yeah. I have to make a cake I just remembered. Day was...a rollercoaster. That's when I realised why I was so moody. It was that time of month again.

B-bye.