Revelation

I didn't actually want to write again but I felt like if I wrote then maybe all the feelings inside of me would disappear and let me concentrate on studying for this exam.

I have mixed feelings, towards everyone. The people who you expect to be the biggest dick towards you turns out to be really nice and as much as they may not show it, you can just tell that they're really sincere, thought at times you might just be hallucinating and no they're not really nice. However, there's others who you have high expectations from, as friends and people who would, SHOULD care about and understand how you feel but instead creates problems which you never expect would have occurred.

I'm studying for Engineering. I actually find it quite interesting. On top of that it's distracting me from the people around me and all the issues which come along with it. I don't like how things are. This post is pretty much contradicting my previous one, WHICH was only written a few hours ago. But right now, I feel like sometimes me and my boyfriend weren't meant to be. There's always forces keeping us apart and if not that, people preventing us from being together. Am I that horrible and mean of a person that I have to suffer with this, let alone with the guy whom I love most. I'm not the only one suffering, or so I hope. I mean, if I'm the only one suffering this is life's way of torturing me after all that I've done in the past.

I just want to be free. I don't want to be held back by anyone anymore. I want to be able to do what I want to do without having to worry about others, judging and telling that it's not right. Maybe I know it's not right, but sometimes I have to experience these things for myself and learn and be able to learn from these mistakes. I want to experience new things. I want the adrenaline, the rush, just everything. I don't want to be held back. Which is why when I turn 18 I'm considering getting a tattoo. I don't know what yet, but I will. Not to rebel, but just to have that feeling running through my veins. The feeling where no one has held me back and allowed me to make my own decision. I don't care if it's a mistake. At times, actually, I know that my mistakes have led to good things. I remember that one day, I jigged school to get away from everyone and went to the house of the person who could comfort me and allow me to forget all the issues and troubles I was in. He took me to his home, especially during a critical time in his hs life, yet he did not worry. He did not care that he could be in trouble for allowing me to enter the home of his parents. He talked with me, he spent the day with me, my gosh we studied in our underwear. Of course that person is special to me and he's still that loving person that he was. If people understand how I feel about him and could just be like him then maybe I won't be like this. Is it that hard to empathize with others and maybe see how they feel.

What the freaking heck am I on about. Sometimes I can just go on about nothing yet for some reason it makes sense to me later and it also removes the weight within me. Like right now, I actually feel good. I've made mistakes and I should learn to accept the consequences. And now I can go back to studying for that exam.

laters bychezzz


p.s. sorry if write a lot and that it's a complete eyesore. I just have a lot on my mind and I'd like to free myself from it, even if it means writing on an online blog where no one will ever read it. I guess that's what so good about. Oh and PJ might read it, she's not nothing. I kinda hope she doesn't though. Don't want her to see how much of a loser I really am, if she hasn't seen it already.

Slow Down

Things have just moving too fast for me lately.

Today, really uneventful. Except that i read this book, it's called The Boy Book, and it only took me three hours and I'm just like woah. What a NL. HAHA. But it's a really good book. If you want to read my review and sections of the book, click on the link. If that doesn't work, the you'll just have to borrow the book. The author is E. Lockheart. But yeah it's a really nice book for teenage chicks. Very helpful too.

I've done my wide reading and Study Guide. Just have to do the research thing and I can move onto a different subject. It feels so good that I've accomplished things. I'm very weird. I just told the truth today. But no one knows what or what about (which is exactly the same thing) except for Jasmine. I don't know if I should have done that but I guess now I feel much better than before.

Wish me luck for the rest of the weekend.

six days till birthday.

i can drive soon.

laters,.

;]

random

today was really random.

we got to wear mufti today and all the money raised was going to the victims of the recent bushrfires in victoria. the thought of what happened to them makes you think about your own life but then again it doesnt. but yes. today was random. the clothes i had worn today one of my guy friends actually chose i for me. which i found quite odd but he does have a good sense of fashion because I guess i did look ok. in first period was had to go to a formal assembly which was extremely boring but we did get to miss out on commerce and I guess that would be so much better anyway. next period was Italian, this was probably the funnest subject I had today because of two of my friends and my brother were sitting next to me and they were quite happy and so was I and the fact the teacher wasnt there and we had the most clueless casual teacher. Anyways one of my friend said something about two months later i was going to be going out with a guy who was sitting right next to her and I was just laughing but I was like it would be too late, but i still manage to grin.

next period was maths and we had a stupid casual but it turned out to be ok i guess, everyone was just talking in the end and she didn't seem to mind. Lunch was eventful, events which i particularly didn't like. who wants to go up to a guy who liked one of your close friends and ask them if they still do (I'm so sorry Jasmine, I have to let it out). And i guess i did feel bad asking him. But we had this conversation and I just didn't know what to do and all I could think of doing was crying. But I managed to hold my emotions back and talk to another group of friends. Bell rang and those stupid guys started saying I'm seeing double & another Jasmine ? and i just got to the point where I would and did explode so I hit two of them and the deputy principal just happened to be there and it was Just My Luck. There was trouble, she was just like, next time tell me. and I was just like OK. Then left for English and just about to explode into tears, but then makeup was like on today so I was like, aarhh. not today. In english it was fun. I was just wasting my time and money and my story/character description was awesome. HAHA.

After school I was at the front wating with Kuya because, basically if i'd gone to the back I wouldn't really be doing anything anyway so i was just there. And I was glad to talk to him again. It seems like not complete me, but fixed a part of me which really needed a cool older brother who DOES care. Not that I can compare him to anyone else seeing as I dont have a blood brother. But soon they had to leave and I went to the back. Waiting there with people seemed to have made my mood change dramatically and I ended up being piss all the way home. Especially on the day they were all up the back having fun while I was being a silly little bitch sulking to myself and using music to cover up any emotion.

Now I'm just here, on the computer. I was reading but was told to clean up my room and I guess it's slightly cleaner. hehe. I'm gonna read some more, so I can read Breaking Dawn. I still don't see why everyone went crazy for the whole series of those books. HAHA
Laters,..