Apology is Not Good Enough

I am unbelievable, yet believable. 

Lol, that was lame but my point is I'm a disgrace and I don't deserve anything good that's been given to me, because all of it is a gift. I don't understand how someone like me, who was taught to grow up to be a pure, chaste young lady turned out to be who I am right now. I've lost my values and morals and I've let loose on everything that I believe in. I have little belief in the things around me. I don't know why but it's insane. I'm insane. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up in a mental hospital one day.


Recently I've just been crying, crying about anything, real or not, like Scrubs last night, when Ben died, that just triggered everything and completely broke down. Actually something else triggered it but that just fueled it. I'm so self-centered. I think that I care for others when in reality, I'm actually just trying to make everything better, making everything go the way I want it to. For goodness sakes Jasmine! You're an adult now. Why won't you grow up already.I feel like I've wasted my childhood fighting everything and spending my time at school and now that I've become an adult it feels like I can't have fun anymore and I have to do all the right things otherwise there will be consequences, consequences which I don't wish to occur. And now school is practically over and I personally am extremely exicted. I hate my daily routine of getting up for school everyday to have to put up with people I don't even like. At least school is fun, I love learning new things. It's pretty fun. Yeah. I'm just really excited that school is over. I remember back in the days when I would be one of those people who would cry over leaving others and think that when I graduate that I'd be crying. Now, today, I don't think I would. I mean why should I cry. Yes, of course there are going to be people who I'm going to miss but I'm obviously going to keep in touch with them. As for those who haven't really made a positive impact on my life, why should I bother.

Bitching makes me happy. Or maybe it's just the fact that I get to release or my emotions without having to cry it out like I usually do. I don't want to hold it back anymore but it's okay. 18 more days, then I won't have to worry about anyone else, just me and the rest of the world.

On a brighter side, I don't know if Sumeet is angry or pissed or upset with me and it just shows how much of a bitch and mean person I truly am. This guy has done nothing but praise me in everything I do and compliment me on my looks when no one ever does and he loves me because I'm Jasmine yet all I manage to do is find ways to screw up and hurt his feelings along with mine. I remember when he asked me out, we were STUDYING math. Yeah, I need help with maths but I didn't ask him to help me for that reason. I knew before that I wanted him and I wanted to spend time with him even if it meant having to learn math after school hours aha, and then he brought me downstairs cause he needed a book, which he did, but I sensed something was up. And as we made our way back up the steps of the library he said it and I was shocked. Not shocked that he asked, shocked that someone would want to go out with me even knowing about who I really was and my outrageous past and poor track record with guys (meaning no boyfriends because I seem to put them off being a boyfriend) So yeah shocking news I couldn't get a word out of my mouth and what was I suppose to say, Well Yes, ofc, but did he know what he was getting himself into and what about me, would I be ready for this. After what seemed to be an eternity of silence, he repeated his question in which I reposnded yes. I finally got the guy who I dreamt to be with and imagined to be my boyfriend, being in his arms and him making me laugh, which to this day he still does. I remember alot of things with him. He actually broke the barrier of letting people touch me, yeah I let people touch me during sexual activities but on a daily basis it was something I couldn't face to do because I don't know why, I'm just not into being touched and when he first held my hand I was, I was happy that I can let him in and not only did I notice, but so did Kat and she knew how special he was to me because she knew I didn't like that shit, but I now I'm a sucker for it. I could probably go through everything which I might eventually will, I think I'll just call this part one.

So another thing I remember was the day after he had asked me out, and as soon as he saw me he came up to me and hugged me which I'm pretty sure if people didn't already think we were going out clarified it because hello, a guy, hugging me. HUGGING ME, IN PUBLIC. LOL. Which reminds me of his hugs, theyre the best. Being in his masculine arms makes me feel safe and no matter how upset or angry I may be, being in his arms makes everything better and makes me want to stay there forever because I know being with him is the safest place I can ever be. Gosh, how much I want to be with him right now. Instead I'm home alone, not studying when I was supposed to be LOL. Yeah so that's part one. More tomorrow or next post I guess.

But before I leave, I hope Sumeet knows that I love him, just him and no one else. I may have said some things in the past which has hurt his feelings deeply, like a sword cutting through his heart, but I never meant to say those things, I could never hate him, that would be the last thing I could ever think of him and my stupidity just took over and I wasn't thinking about you, but rather being selfish and looking out for myself. I wouldn't leave you for anyone else because like I said before you're the closest thing to perfection and why would I want anyone else, since there's no such thing as perfect right. I don't know how I can gain your complete trust again especially since I've been such a fool and betraying you, and I don't know how I can make you believe that I love you to the moon and back and to the moon again and back again sixty-nine times but I love just you and no one else because I know how much you've gone through to show me how much you truly love me, and if you don't anymore I can understand that.

Just so you know, I loved your flowers. It was wrong of me to ask you but I don't regret it. I wake up every morning to see them beside me on my table.