Insanity

What am I doing here? Why did I even go to class? Why did I wake up? Why did I even exist?
I honestly don't know. I'm pondering and pondering and it seems like my existence is a waste of time.

A huge part of myself just want to destroy every last trace of me but even that I'm too afraid. Why can't I do something so simple? So many questions yet no answers. And I badly want to pay attention and actually understand what is going on but I've lost any motivation for anything, to study, to live and to even bother with those people I call...friends.

Maybe I'm just being a little selfish. I honestly just want to be selfish and not have to blame anyone but myself. It is my own fault. It's my personality. It's how I've treated people now and in the past. I deserve this.

My my, what a surprise. This rant post is also the 500th. How lovely. I suppose I don't really have anything positive to say, so I may as well just post it as is.

Numb

It has been a while.

Many things have happened since my last post, which probably means I need to post more often but takes too much effort really, for no one to read in the end so what's the point. Aside from something to read in the future of course. And I'm surprised no one has found this blog considering it is public but that may be due to my constant changing of the url which I don't actually know what it is anymore.

So moving on, I died my hair again. More accurately I got it done at the salon, full head of foils and so I'm now half blonde. I'm halfway with it considering not many people like it or complimented me on it. They just stare at me for a second and start talking about something else which I think means that they don't like it. However, recently I've been actually trying to try and bother styling my hair and I'm kinda liking it now. I think it's just everyone's attitude towards me that's causing me to feel like this towards myself. Which shouldn't really affect me cause F em.

On a much warmer note, it actually feels like summer now. Or at least spring so I've taken this opportunity to constantly go to the beach, cause why not? And here are just some photos which we're taken. (Still fatlol)

sis, moi and cuz @ Bondi

wasn't at the beach but hey they're my bestfsss ♥

Aside from the beach, I don't think that I've been living my life to the potential. Maybe because I'm allowing others to control my life and thus not furthering my networks and what not but I'm constantly feeling sad and alone and all that kind of emotion. It's probably because I was PMS-ing but I also know the other reason. I guess I just wished that you had more courtesy towards me, or at least my feelings. I don't think I've put as much effort as I have in our friendship compared to others and for some reason this is how I'm treated. Maybe it's by accident but still, I feel neglected. Rejected? Yes, rejected. I thought that the Jasmine who always got rejected was left behind in high school. But it seems that this feeling has come back and I have no choice but to suck it up and move on because I'm afraid that if I start making a big deal out of it or telling someone I will just burden them or become a drama queen which I don't like seeing on others and especially not myself. I've just left it at that I guess. There's nothing between us. There never was. Fuar, it just seems like I wasted my time again though. I keep making the same mistake and I never seem to learn. And in the end I'm the one who's hurt. Like I'm being punished for not listening to the people around me who told me this and that yet I persistantly believe that for once I'm making the right decision. Well, Jasmine, you're not. So grow up.

Less rant more happy bloggy stuff. Got mid-sem marks back as well as my MPO assignment. I've managed to pass all of them, some barely (ACCOUNTING) but overall I'm content considering the amount of effort which went into those assessments. For some reason it's not getting to my head that I need to get my act together and start focusing on my education, cause honestly it's all I've got right now. That and work. What even is a social life. I mean it's not existing for me really. My friends are all busy. My other "friends" don't even speak to me. And I struggle making friends as it is. My self esteem is at it's all time low and I'm just relying on my make up and dressing skills to cheer myself up and at least make myself feel beautiful or somewhat like that. So yeah, uni. Not really motivated but I'm putting more effort into that now. I guess.

And my all time fave, I'm seeing him on Saturday. I think? I hope so. I'm kinda excited. Haven't seen him in a while and well he really has been there for me all the time. I just chose to ignore because sometimes he pissed me off (but then who doesn't, right?). I'm kinda hoping to spend the whole afternoon with him and then have dinner but I'm so worried that I won't be able to enjoy my day for some unforeseen reasons but I'm still looking forward to it.

Lastly, my arm is numb. Like numb. I got Implanon inserted in my arm and well they put in anasthesia (ceebs dictionary) and she said it takes a few seconds to take affect but like it was affecting me yet and she cut my arm and put it in and stung like OMG but then lucky the anasthesia did kick in and now my arm is just numb. Then stupid me decided to transfer the rain water to the other tank, manually, one bucket at a time and now my arm feels really weak. Plus I have like a bandage on it so I full had to work out what clothes I was going to wear otherwise my mum would've asked me WTF is that and WTF. It would not have ended well...

To summarise, everything around me is pretty hectic aside from myself which is stationary and boring and lifeless and honestly, I just have no motivation to do anything, well because I just don't. People suck. People suck because they don't realise they hurt my feelings even though I've told them how sensitive I am. And I'm not even overreacting. I have some patience, but after a while, why wait?

In the end you're just going to be alone anyway.

Zaboob.

It's Lara's birthday today. 

Gosh, I love that girl. A picture speaks a thousand words, I guess these would be a million.

Confused

I don't understand why some people don't like me. Am I really that much of a horrible person? I'm trying to be nice to everyone. Like legitimate nice not pretend nice but for some reason it's not good enough. Will it ever?

Child

Sometimes I wonder if your age really is just a number. I am over 18 now so you'd think that I would begin to start acting like an adult yet my actions do not display this. Why I even allow myself to act like this is something I constantly ponder on.

Black Party Cruise '12

That picture just emphasizes how much of a child I already look on the outside. Eh whatever. Onto more important matters, my behaviour that evening was not very appropriate, nor was my clothing. I acted like a spoilt brat that looked like a slut.

Like I said whatever. Just a few things bugging me though. I have yet to let go of the one person who has just entered my life and made it amazing but I think you've ran out of fuel and all the excitement is gone. That and I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to get jealous. Of not just all the girls but everything and everyone else. I'd like to just blame you to make my life so my easier and that way it wouldn't hurt me so much and it gives me an excuse to not exactly kick you out of my life but rather...make you an acquaintance rather than a friend although some may say that it's too late for that now. I guess I would agree with them but I can still try because my feelings are at stake. And for some reason my feelings seem to have an effect on my entire life. Blabbing on about nothing.

I'm trying so hard to make this blog sound more like a blog but it's really hard when you're constantly...when I'M constantly thinking about life and everything about it. I just want things to be simple and easy. But a person once said to me (actually everyone has) Life isn't easy. Well no shieeeet.

Worst part, can't even party to get over it.

And I'm a party girl.

Or so I like to call myself.

But I do live up to that name, most of the time.

Fifty Shades

So at the moment, I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey to conform with society. Actually I wasn't intending to do so it just so happens that everyone has been talking about it and I simply wanted to know what the hype was all about. So I wiki-ed it. And under the category Genre it had erotic fiction. Then I was in. Personally I think that the book is alright. It's written well, but for me the main reason I AM reading it is for the erotic fiction part. Maybe the romance, which at the moment lacks thereof so yes, just the erotic fiction.

Over the past weeks, or even months since I've written heaps of major, not really have occured and as much as I would love to go in detail I've lost the bother to do so. Instead I will upload pictures from these events.

Celebrating Tin's 18th :D

First time at Zumbo Dessert Train ♥

Parent's 20th Anniversary

Winning big for a first time gambler :P

Birthday week with closest friends.

Clubbing for my 19th & Tin's 18th

First froyo @ Noggi with a groupi!

Jasmine^2

End of first ever uni exams!

Ausralia vs. New Zealand: European Handball

Tita Mayet's 50th Birthday

Chilling the best biatch

Black Party Cruise '12

Toohey's Open Day

As you can see, it's been pretty eventful and I like that. I also got to sleepover a guy's house for the first time in my life ever! Although it just lead to disappointment. Or more that there was way too much hype for such miniscule thing. Meh, I liked it.

That's all...for now.

Cross Elasticity of Demand

Just when I thought I've finally turned over a new leaf, someone keeps blowing me over and have to start all over again...

I have this odd feeling that I'm struggling to move forward with my life. I don't know what's keeping me back. I've let go of all the things that I thought would be holding me back. I've made new friends, tried new things, even changed some of my priorities. Yet for some reason I just cannot enjoy my own life. It's not that I don't enjoy it, there are just some moments where I feel I'm completely alone and no one, I mean no one in this world could care what is going on with me let alone just give me the space I need or at least cut me some slack and let me deal with me own problems or something along the lines of that.

Uni I think, for me socially I'm getting there. I thought I'd never make friends, but I've managed to and made more and I've been talking and hanging out with them which is really fun cause I really like that. But the actual education part of uni, I think I've just been taking it too easy and not taking it seriously and which is probably why I'm failing. Yeah, failing. The word itself is daunting but actual seeing that I've failed assignments and exams, it's kinda just upsetting. It's the one thing that I don't like to happen and it's happened to me so many times already. But of course I deal with it myself because frankly I don't think there's really anyone I could talk to about this who would actually seem sincere nor care about what is going on in my life. And to top that, uni is the least of my problems. There are other things going on at home and with family that I just can't bear to mention because what's the point.

I keep asking myself, What is life? So really, tell me, what is it? Is it where someone who thinks theyre happy and fine and alright suddenly goes through struggle when she thought she's gone through struggle already? Okay maybe I'm just exaggerating a little...alot. I've always told myself that there are people worst off than me and that's cause there is. I consider myself to be extremely lucky, but sometimes I just feel like being selfish sometimes and you know I want people's attentions. And when I do they're rare occassions.

This time around, I'd like it to be on my birthday. And if people aren't going to cooperate with what I want on my birthday, well fcky'all. Im do whatever I want because I really don't care anymore, on my birthday that is. There's not much hype to it either, considering last year I was so excited to turn 18 and now, a year later, it's kinda daunting me that I'm turning 19 already. Soon I'll be 20 and will no longer be considered a teen, especially by my cousins and I'll have to start acting like an adult. Which I've been trying to lately, it's just hard when people continually treat you like a child, which is fun for a while but you kinda get over it.

For someone who has to do two assignments, I rant. A lot.


Since my last post I've:

Bought myself a new watch,

Coloured/Cut my hair,

and made friendship bracelets for my non-existant friends.