I have this odd feeling that I'm struggling to move forward with my life. I don't know what's keeping me back. I've let go of all the things that I thought would be holding me back. I've made new friends, tried new things, even changed some of my priorities. Yet for some reason I just cannot enjoy my own life. It's not that I don't enjoy it, there are just some moments where I feel I'm completely alone and no one, I mean no one in this world could care what is going on with me let alone just give me the space I need or at least cut me some slack and let me deal with me own problems or something along the lines of that.
Uni I think, for me socially I'm getting there. I thought I'd never make friends, but I've managed to and made more and I've been talking and hanging out with them which is really fun cause I really like that. But the actual education part of uni, I think I've just been taking it too easy and not taking it seriously and which is probably why I'm failing. Yeah, failing. The word itself is daunting but actual seeing that I've failed assignments and exams, it's kinda just upsetting. It's the one thing that I don't like to happen and it's happened to me so many times already. But of course I deal with it myself because frankly I don't think there's really anyone I could talk to about this who would actually seem sincere nor care about what is going on in my life. And to top that, uni is the least of my problems. There are other things going on at home and with family that I just can't bear to mention because what's the point.
I keep asking myself, What is life? So really, tell me, what is it? Is it where someone who thinks theyre happy and fine and alright suddenly goes through struggle when she thought she's gone through struggle already? Okay maybe I'm just exaggerating a little...alot. I've always told myself that there are people worst off than me and that's cause there is. I consider myself to be extremely lucky, but sometimes I just feel like being selfish sometimes and you know I want people's attentions. And when I do they're rare occassions.
This time around, I'd like it to be on my birthday. And if people aren't going to cooperate with what I want on my birthday, well fcky'all. Im do whatever I want because I really don't care anymore, on my birthday that is. There's not much hype to it either, considering last year I was so excited to turn 18 and now, a year later, it's kinda daunting me that I'm turning 19 already. Soon I'll be 20 and will no longer be considered a teen, especially by my cousins and I'll have to start acting like an adult. Which I've been trying to lately, it's just hard when people continually treat you like a child, which is fun for a while but you kinda get over it.
For someone who has to do two assignments, I rant. A lot.
Since my last post I've:
Bought myself a new watch,
Coloured/Cut my hair,
and made friendship bracelets for my non-existant friends.
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