Winter is here

As always I begin my posts by saying "a lot has happened since my last post" well duh, you only post every few months, of course a lot is going to happen.

Well since my last post, I've had my birthday and turned 20, amazing right? It hasn't quite hit me though how old that really is. Soon ill be 21, then 22, 23, 24 and so on and so on and one day (hopefully) I'll be getting married and having kids.

Anyways celebrated my birthday with a few close mates in my very cosy home with lots of drinks shared between me, Kat and shini. For some reason others weren't as keen to drink. Why? Who knows.

In that time I've also has exams which has been so hectic. I've never had so much pressure to not only pass an exam but also do well considering how poorly I had done in the mid semester exams. I suppose it'll depend on the markers now whether or not I'll make it throuh. On the bright side, I did pass Networking and managed to get 69% which I'm quite proud of because I struggled in the beginning.

On a more recent topic, I've been such a party girl lately and drinking to my heart's content. Not only did I drink at Sarah's party but I also slept over and got to hang out with my oh so very cool cousins. To be honest I finally felt like I belong. Even if it was just for a few hours And even though I spent the morning running to and from the toilet, throwing up everything I had consumed that night. It was nice.

The other night, for post-exams celebrations me and the girls decided to head off to the city for dinner and clubbbanng. And as always I was up to my silly antics, dressed head to toe like a slur but being in Kings Cross, this was the social norm however still managed to get a few glances from the locals, but which girl dress with a low cut top and ass showing skirt didn't get a look, from anyone. We started the evening for a fine dinner at Chef's Gallery and I must admit, it was worth it. Especially the "Piggy visits Totoro House" dessert, WORTH IT! after dinner, some of the girls has left and the rest of us got ready then headed off to the cross and went to Soho, FOAM PARTY where I made my debut in hooking up with someone I've never met before nor do i plan to ever again. No need to worry, it was just a few seconds of mouth to mouth action, which frankly I didn't even enjoy that much. (Not into tounging). I also vaguely remember introducing himself (don't remember his name) and I replied by saying my name is Hannah, which we all know is not. Then things got a little wild so I decided to put a stop to it.

After the incident I decided to take the girls to Trademark although a bit hesitant on the price, but managed to get free entry *cheering and to be honest I still love Trademark. I love the music, the setting and location. Overall it was a great night with the girls which was abruptly ended due to freshy Indians hitting on one of my girls. But the whole thing was a success.

And now, I'm just back to my bored Jasmine, who doesnt know what to do with life.

April 2013

So it's the last day of March 2013 and it's also Easter, spending it at home, not alone but hiding out in my room like a complete anti-social. Why has it come to this, is this just me unsure of what the future may hold, afraid?

In recent events, I can very safely say A LOT has happened. I don't quite remember what my last post was about but I'm sure more events has happened since then. Is this me trying to fit into society's conventions or simply poor judgment and believing in the unknown, peronsally I feel lost and confused most of the time but hey, it's not life if it was easy.

I've been socialising quite a lot lately, obviously not today but I guess this is my way of trying to make up for all those years refusing to push the boundaries but also expand my network. Why now? Why not. I feel as if my world is a lot happier and less stressful surrounding myself with people who truly make me happy or at least don't upset me, it's quite a nice feeling actually. Although it would seem that I have been a little too overconfident lately which I think is backfiring me causing me to act pretentios and all that which I know I'm not.

Whatevs

It's always such a difficult task choosing which picture to upload but hey why not just upload a picture of yourself.

Another Year 2013

Wow, it's already March 2013 and a lot has definitely happened since my last blog post but to go through everything would just be tedious. Right now, something simple such as expressing my true feelings would complete this post as well as allowing me to feel a little more free.

Horrible.

That is how I feel, but it does tend to juggle with happiness, joy? grief...jealous. I'm filled with mixed emotions unsure of whether it's just part of being a woman or I have been deeply affect. I'm constantly feeling stressed from the pressure of the people around me. Though it would seem like it is just me who is putting this so-called pressure on my imaginary bubble.

Someone, burst my bubble.

No, my hair no longer looks like that.

Paintball

To summarise,
it was not weird last week.

Or today.

Letting go was.
So I cried, just a little.

Breath of Fresh Air

I think for once I'm able to feel free and not chained and held back by any force. I know that for once I didn't do anything wrong. Which is nice. And I'm finally able to see the light. Oh lol I don't know what I'm talking about. But on the bright side I woke up feeling refreshed and somewhat relieved. I don't think I've had a dream that good in a while which is astonishing considering misery has befallen on me lately.

Whatever. I still have the same attitude towards life but for the time being I'm going to allow myself to enjoy it. At least this way nothing can hold me back from my true desires. Or anything really.

For those few of you who read this, I apologize for this insane post. I don't even know what I'm going on about myself so I would believe that this is the same for yourself but rather you're are all alot more confused than I am.

Have to study now, sadly.

Insane 2

I might be into S&M. Is that weird?

Insanity

What am I doing here? Why did I even go to class? Why did I wake up? Why did I even exist?
I honestly don't know. I'm pondering and pondering and it seems like my existence is a waste of time.

A huge part of myself just want to destroy every last trace of me but even that I'm too afraid. Why can't I do something so simple? So many questions yet no answers. And I badly want to pay attention and actually understand what is going on but I've lost any motivation for anything, to study, to live and to even bother with those people I call...friends.

Maybe I'm just being a little selfish. I honestly just want to be selfish and not have to blame anyone but myself. It is my own fault. It's my personality. It's how I've treated people now and in the past. I deserve this.

My my, what a surprise. This rant post is also the 500th. How lovely. I suppose I don't really have anything positive to say, so I may as well just post it as is.

Numb

It has been a while.

Many things have happened since my last post, which probably means I need to post more often but takes too much effort really, for no one to read in the end so what's the point. Aside from something to read in the future of course. And I'm surprised no one has found this blog considering it is public but that may be due to my constant changing of the url which I don't actually know what it is anymore.

So moving on, I died my hair again. More accurately I got it done at the salon, full head of foils and so I'm now half blonde. I'm halfway with it considering not many people like it or complimented me on it. They just stare at me for a second and start talking about something else which I think means that they don't like it. However, recently I've been actually trying to try and bother styling my hair and I'm kinda liking it now. I think it's just everyone's attitude towards me that's causing me to feel like this towards myself. Which shouldn't really affect me cause F em.

On a much warmer note, it actually feels like summer now. Or at least spring so I've taken this opportunity to constantly go to the beach, cause why not? And here are just some photos which we're taken. (Still fatlol)

sis, moi and cuz @ Bondi

wasn't at the beach but hey they're my bestfsss ♥

Aside from the beach, I don't think that I've been living my life to the potential. Maybe because I'm allowing others to control my life and thus not furthering my networks and what not but I'm constantly feeling sad and alone and all that kind of emotion. It's probably because I was PMS-ing but I also know the other reason. I guess I just wished that you had more courtesy towards me, or at least my feelings. I don't think I've put as much effort as I have in our friendship compared to others and for some reason this is how I'm treated. Maybe it's by accident but still, I feel neglected. Rejected? Yes, rejected. I thought that the Jasmine who always got rejected was left behind in high school. But it seems that this feeling has come back and I have no choice but to suck it up and move on because I'm afraid that if I start making a big deal out of it or telling someone I will just burden them or become a drama queen which I don't like seeing on others and especially not myself. I've just left it at that I guess. There's nothing between us. There never was. Fuar, it just seems like I wasted my time again though. I keep making the same mistake and I never seem to learn. And in the end I'm the one who's hurt. Like I'm being punished for not listening to the people around me who told me this and that yet I persistantly believe that for once I'm making the right decision. Well, Jasmine, you're not. So grow up.

Less rant more happy bloggy stuff. Got mid-sem marks back as well as my MPO assignment. I've managed to pass all of them, some barely (ACCOUNTING) but overall I'm content considering the amount of effort which went into those assessments. For some reason it's not getting to my head that I need to get my act together and start focusing on my education, cause honestly it's all I've got right now. That and work. What even is a social life. I mean it's not existing for me really. My friends are all busy. My other "friends" don't even speak to me. And I struggle making friends as it is. My self esteem is at it's all time low and I'm just relying on my make up and dressing skills to cheer myself up and at least make myself feel beautiful or somewhat like that. So yeah, uni. Not really motivated but I'm putting more effort into that now. I guess.

And my all time fave, I'm seeing him on Saturday. I think? I hope so. I'm kinda excited. Haven't seen him in a while and well he really has been there for me all the time. I just chose to ignore because sometimes he pissed me off (but then who doesn't, right?). I'm kinda hoping to spend the whole afternoon with him and then have dinner but I'm so worried that I won't be able to enjoy my day for some unforeseen reasons but I'm still looking forward to it.

Lastly, my arm is numb. Like numb. I got Implanon inserted in my arm and well they put in anasthesia (ceebs dictionary) and she said it takes a few seconds to take affect but like it was affecting me yet and she cut my arm and put it in and stung like OMG but then lucky the anasthesia did kick in and now my arm is just numb. Then stupid me decided to transfer the rain water to the other tank, manually, one bucket at a time and now my arm feels really weak. Plus I have like a bandage on it so I full had to work out what clothes I was going to wear otherwise my mum would've asked me WTF is that and WTF. It would not have ended well...

To summarise, everything around me is pretty hectic aside from myself which is stationary and boring and lifeless and honestly, I just have no motivation to do anything, well because I just don't. People suck. People suck because they don't realise they hurt my feelings even though I've told them how sensitive I am. And I'm not even overreacting. I have some patience, but after a while, why wait?

In the end you're just going to be alone anyway.

Zaboob.

It's Lara's birthday today. 

Gosh, I love that girl. A picture speaks a thousand words, I guess these would be a million.

Confused

I don't understand why some people don't like me. Am I really that much of a horrible person? I'm trying to be nice to everyone. Like legitimate nice not pretend nice but for some reason it's not good enough. Will it ever?

Child

Sometimes I wonder if your age really is just a number. I am over 18 now so you'd think that I would begin to start acting like an adult yet my actions do not display this. Why I even allow myself to act like this is something I constantly ponder on.

Black Party Cruise '12

That picture just emphasizes how much of a child I already look on the outside. Eh whatever. Onto more important matters, my behaviour that evening was not very appropriate, nor was my clothing. I acted like a spoilt brat that looked like a slut.

Like I said whatever. Just a few things bugging me though. I have yet to let go of the one person who has just entered my life and made it amazing but I think you've ran out of fuel and all the excitement is gone. That and I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to get jealous. Of not just all the girls but everything and everyone else. I'd like to just blame you to make my life so my easier and that way it wouldn't hurt me so much and it gives me an excuse to not exactly kick you out of my life but rather...make you an acquaintance rather than a friend although some may say that it's too late for that now. I guess I would agree with them but I can still try because my feelings are at stake. And for some reason my feelings seem to have an effect on my entire life. Blabbing on about nothing.

I'm trying so hard to make this blog sound more like a blog but it's really hard when you're constantly...when I'M constantly thinking about life and everything about it. I just want things to be simple and easy. But a person once said to me (actually everyone has) Life isn't easy. Well no shieeeet.

Worst part, can't even party to get over it.

And I'm a party girl.

Or so I like to call myself.

But I do live up to that name, most of the time.

Fifty Shades

So at the moment, I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey to conform with society. Actually I wasn't intending to do so it just so happens that everyone has been talking about it and I simply wanted to know what the hype was all about. So I wiki-ed it. And under the category Genre it had erotic fiction. Then I was in. Personally I think that the book is alright. It's written well, but for me the main reason I AM reading it is for the erotic fiction part. Maybe the romance, which at the moment lacks thereof so yes, just the erotic fiction.

Over the past weeks, or even months since I've written heaps of major, not really have occured and as much as I would love to go in detail I've lost the bother to do so. Instead I will upload pictures from these events.

Celebrating Tin's 18th :D

First time at Zumbo Dessert Train ♥

Parent's 20th Anniversary

Winning big for a first time gambler :P

Birthday week with closest friends.

Clubbing for my 19th & Tin's 18th

First froyo @ Noggi with a groupi!

Jasmine^2

End of first ever uni exams!

Ausralia vs. New Zealand: European Handball

Tita Mayet's 50th Birthday

Chilling the best biatch

Black Party Cruise '12

Toohey's Open Day

As you can see, it's been pretty eventful and I like that. I also got to sleepover a guy's house for the first time in my life ever! Although it just lead to disappointment. Or more that there was way too much hype for such miniscule thing. Meh, I liked it.

That's all...for now.

Cross Elasticity of Demand

Just when I thought I've finally turned over a new leaf, someone keeps blowing me over and have to start all over again...

I have this odd feeling that I'm struggling to move forward with my life. I don't know what's keeping me back. I've let go of all the things that I thought would be holding me back. I've made new friends, tried new things, even changed some of my priorities. Yet for some reason I just cannot enjoy my own life. It's not that I don't enjoy it, there are just some moments where I feel I'm completely alone and no one, I mean no one in this world could care what is going on with me let alone just give me the space I need or at least cut me some slack and let me deal with me own problems or something along the lines of that.

Uni I think, for me socially I'm getting there. I thought I'd never make friends, but I've managed to and made more and I've been talking and hanging out with them which is really fun cause I really like that. But the actual education part of uni, I think I've just been taking it too easy and not taking it seriously and which is probably why I'm failing. Yeah, failing. The word itself is daunting but actual seeing that I've failed assignments and exams, it's kinda just upsetting. It's the one thing that I don't like to happen and it's happened to me so many times already. But of course I deal with it myself because frankly I don't think there's really anyone I could talk to about this who would actually seem sincere nor care about what is going on in my life. And to top that, uni is the least of my problems. There are other things going on at home and with family that I just can't bear to mention because what's the point.

I keep asking myself, What is life? So really, tell me, what is it? Is it where someone who thinks theyre happy and fine and alright suddenly goes through struggle when she thought she's gone through struggle already? Okay maybe I'm just exaggerating a little...alot. I've always told myself that there are people worst off than me and that's cause there is. I consider myself to be extremely lucky, but sometimes I just feel like being selfish sometimes and you know I want people's attentions. And when I do they're rare occassions.

This time around, I'd like it to be on my birthday. And if people aren't going to cooperate with what I want on my birthday, well fcky'all. Im do whatever I want because I really don't care anymore, on my birthday that is. There's not much hype to it either, considering last year I was so excited to turn 18 and now, a year later, it's kinda daunting me that I'm turning 19 already. Soon I'll be 20 and will no longer be considered a teen, especially by my cousins and I'll have to start acting like an adult. Which I've been trying to lately, it's just hard when people continually treat you like a child, which is fun for a while but you kinda get over it.

For someone who has to do two assignments, I rant. A lot.


Since my last post I've:

Bought myself a new watch,

Coloured/Cut my hair,

and made friendship bracelets for my non-existant friends.

Title?

I've written so many posts that I don't know what to use as the title anymore. Goes to show, I really, do not have a life. Actually that has changed.

Amazing? Yeah. I have a uni life now and a work life. And I have created myself a new network of friends whom I seem to get along with, surprisingly. All this is kinda overwhelming and at the same time makes me really happy because for once I know that I actually do belong somewhere. I'm just making myself seem like a sad piece of shie but hey what can I do? I've made positive changes in my life, for once and made KINDA better decisions as well.

There's not really much to go on. I've cut off some communication with some peopole while others have cut theirs with me. I guess I can't really do anything about it except accept the changes in life because it's fate, destiny, stupidity, I really have no explanation for it. However, there are still times when I begin to fill up with sadness and emotion and it gets hard to hold back sometime so I cry. Simplest solution.

Onto brighter and better things, I went clubbing the other night. That's when I noticed the changes and the positive impact it has had on me and right now all I can remember is me smiling throughout the whole night, with no worries, no problems. And the best part I had the chance to spend the whole evening and even morning with possibly friends whom I will have for life.

To finish off, I'm just gonna say that I'm thankful for all the good things that have occurred to me, even the bad because without any of this, I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. Everything would be different and the chances of it being better would be the same as being worse than it is which is not bad at all. Whatever, I'm just blabbering.

new friends.

sexy babes ;D

University

So Uni has started and it's been okay, I suppose. Can't really complain...

I will, however complain about two guys.

1. I'm over you, you're in the past. Yet for some reason, I still cry because of you.
2. LOL, we're not together but people think we're a couple. Maybe you should stop acting like we're a couple even if you don't mean to, THAT and we need to stop seeing each other every other day. TOO MUCH LOL

That's all. Had a pretty good February though. I'm glad. Added the picture cause I thought it'd be nice.  ♥

Orange

Oh gosh, the things that have happened in this new year. It just seems so overwhelming and in my mind kinda hectic although it wasn't really. All the awkward moments, the teasing, the laughter. I am unbelievably happy most of the time and when I am unhappy someone manages to turn the frown upside down.

I looked pretty good the other night, mainly cause I knew what was going down but still, unfortunately I didn't even take JUST ONE picture to record it but it was all for the sake of a friend. I'm nicer now too. How shocking!

And a photo of the new jasmine. Not really, I still look teh same but dyed the tips of my hair. I'm much skillful now too.

EFF EM EL

Last night was just not great.
I have bad luck when it comes to males.

2012

BRING IT ON

What A Wonderful World

Had a pretty hectic weekend and following days after that just because of the new people which I have added into my hopeless and uneventful life. I've been feeling pretty good and I did something last week which I thought I was ready for and I was, the reaction just wasn't what I had expected but the fact that I was able to just let it go without feeling overwhelmed or traumatised just meant that I've begun to move forward and blah blah. Anyways onto better things went out on Saturday night started party on Sunday midnight LOL and basically made myself new friends who are wonderful and lovely and awesome and hopefully don't actually hate me LOL.

Random Again

Haven't posted recently but here's something I want to delete this from my phone and this is all I could be botehred typing up.

Text Messages with Sumeet

S: hey beautiful,i am gonna go to sleep now.hope you aresleeping well.just thought i should tell you that i am thinking of you and thati love you very very much

J: Magic signal number
aka msn.

S: Hey beautiful :) keep studying.I have to go out to thisHSC seminar thing.starts at 4.15 dunno for how long.leavin now.I'll get on msnlater.bye bye *kiss* imy

J: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY BABY! Okay I proly should havewritten it before 12 so that it could be sent at 12, doesn't matter. I'd beatyou anyway (omgosh, i'm sorry if i act like everythings a game to me; it makeslife so much more interesting for me) but anyway i love you and i wish this isthe message you wake up to. I can't wait to see you later today. I'll have afew surprises for you, I HOPE haha. But yeah. You know you're my first realperson valentine i guess that's why it's a semi big deal for me PLUS i likewrapping things, with rubber :p yeah i should stop talking and go to sleep.HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY again. I love you Sumeet and only you. <3

S: Hey beautiful.I woke up to your message & have tosay,you really know how to kill me from the inside.I love u soo much babe,ur myeverything.happy valentines:)

S: What's the thank you for? I ate the
fairy floss,mmm yummy like u.thank
u for it.&helium.do it. :D

S: Fuck, nearly stacked it in the shower lol. Wonder y? :PGoing to sleep now.sry.cant help thinkin of u

J: Why do you like me so much?

S: It’s okay jasmine. & I like u coz u r nice,loving,care so much about me, make me feel very special & happy so I want to dothe same for u etc :) y u asking that?

J: Because I can and I want to know.

S: Is there anything wrong if I like u so much?&I justdo, don’t have many reasons,but I really like u:)

S: How do you start a Jewish Marathon?Roll a penny down ahill. Lol better be readin this in the morning:)

J: She gets home when I start studying math. WOW

S: Cmon keep going.in the name of maths.wooo turnin me on:P& u make it sound like u came home when u were fapping haha. Playing stickcricket in chem. :D fun

S; Good morning gorgeous. WE managed to make yesterday goodafter all.Lead by the captain of the boat itself *salute*Capt’n slow:P thank uas well babe.fah miss u

S: Jasmineee I love you soo muchhh.please stop checking outcars haha.I want u to check me out,wait no I have to pee, check me out later.Imiss you too babe :)

J: Im sorry for giving you such a bad week. I don’t evenhave my period. :p

J: Black swan? Aha

S:Haha woops.forgot it.its ur fault.I remembered my bit on96kisses,just didn’t ask for em.on Monday:)

S: Good morning prettybum.my mum has the car till 12,so I’llcome to ur house around1?is that okay?

J:Nah its too late everyone wil be home we wont get anystudy done

S:Everyone was gonna be home by 11.30anyway.it’ll be thesame.If not ur house how bout st marys lib?

J: Just come to my house then. St marys library not thatgreat.

S: woops.fell asleep.wakin up now :P dw I WONT WEARANYTHING(that u gave me,damn) cya around 1.miss u

J: You know what was weird. When the principal wasinterviewing me I had no panties and I was sitting across him. I had to makesure I didn’t open my legs. But yeah :P

S:wake up wake up wake up prettybume :) goodmorning.I lovehow u can make me feel so good. Miss u babe

J: Natalie portmans on the tv :D

S:u makeme feel good coz u’re a good girl aha.angel u dasexy.oh, might wanna read offliners on msn.

J: *massive rant that I cbf typing*

S: jasmine u r my everything. Just wanted u to wake up to amessage that made u smile.hope this worked :)

S: My head hurts.i miss u.the class is so noisy. I don’tfeel like doing work. I’m sleepy.I wanna touch u.I want u to hold me.I want uto kiss me. I want u babe imy

S: I freakin love u jasmine.oh the things I wanna do to u:)get out of my head,for a millisecond.please

S: LOL someone had fun:P & no u didn’t ruinanything.same for u,I get horny because of u soo many times. & lastlyjasmine, u mean more to me than anything else, ily

S: Lesson 1:how to take advantage when jas has no credit.‘hellooo if u don’t reply that means u owe me 5 kisses & head:D’ muhahah.Ireally miss u babe mwah

S: Hey, you’re the most amazing girl ever:) & I feel badfor hitting u earlier.I’m sorry.I love u heaps.If u don’t reply that means ulove me & I owe u kisses

S: 23/2/11 ;)

S: Damn I can’t be evil & be like if don’t reply blahblah, Coz u have the other phone.but (sexy butt :) I love u sooo much,u make meso happy.had a great time :)

S: I like water heaps,that means I do like u heaps,but only75%.That’s why 85 90 74, 100.69% :) I’ll be waiting at the library at lunch.Cya sexybum

S: sucks I’m not with u. hope you’re sleeping…look like suchan angel when u lie next to me.i love u

S: Hey beautiful.guess what-ur my gf hehe. Sucks for ueh,stuck with me.but I’m so lucky to call u mine

S: Duuude first time I wanked on train :D

Lol nah I did some chem. :P
I miss u prettybum
Msn after 10

S: Coming in late today. Aww man alarm woke me up,bodyaches, so hungry. Can’t wait to eat u :)

I've deleted the rest so I guess that's all left from the past. I also saw the photographers from formal and the pictures they took. They were alright, I think it's just cause I ruined my own night by not allowing myself to have fun, but no worries from now on FUN is my middle name :D

I'm sorry ready to move forward. And after receiving results I've realized that I was way too distracted this year and now I need to focus on what's important. Still having fun ofc now I'm just super excited that HSC is all over. Completely. Done. Nada. Over. Woo :D