Alone

I'm so exhausted. I know why. It's because I stayed up late last night talking to the one person who I manage to be able to say anything to and relates to it and jokes about it and is just so nice to talk to. That and because of my new and surprising daily routine, and because of this he now owes me, BIG TIME.

Yes, I know I should be studying for my Engineering exam. I don't feel confident nor do I think that I know what I will do tomorrow but I do know that if I just think everything carefully through I can get it done and manage to pass like the 3928487562034 tests that we've done in the past. Plus writing in my blog always seems to help me refocus when I return to studying. And I like to get distracted, it happens quite often but at least it's better than constantly straining my brain on something that I don't even understand. Man, I love this subject. I knew it was the right thing to do to keep it. Am I weird that way, liking a subject which I don't do well in but still enjoy it. Whatever.

So news update. I'm home alone again. This is becoming a reccuring event which I don't particularly like. I've had so many opportunities to have people over yet no one will come over. PEOPLE, I BITE, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it'll hurt. And now because I felt like it, I got myself a cup of wine, like 10mL of wine diluted in a litre of apple and blackcurrant juice and it's still so disgusting. How am I gonna be able to drink when I'm older D: which is fast approaching. I feel like puking. Am I stupid or what.

Apart from distraction, the whole point of this blog entry is to just rave on about people's poor sense of uniqueness or their timing. There's quite a lot of people who do it and I must admit I myself am a culprit of this. But like sometimes in this world people copy each other and maybe because it's a good thing but other times it's just our desire and what not, people where is your SENSE OF INDIVIDUALITY, we were made to be different yet some of us just choose to copy others. What is wrong with you. I've separated myself from others to not fall in the trap of conforming to society and allowing myself to explore the world and surroundings by doing things how I want to and whenever I want to. Now if you think about it, it is kinda selfish but it's allowing you to take advantage of the life you were giving. Live your life for goodness sakes.

I apologize for overreacting, I think it was just from a post I read and from a picture I saw. People these days, well some you kinda just expect better. But I've learned to accept the fact that I AM nearly 18 and that I should grow up and be mature and not worry about little things like that. There are bigger problems in today's society and I shouldn't let insignificant people hold me back from doing what I want to do.

I am also listening to: Today my Life Begins by Bruno Mars because titface told me to listen to it. It is soothing and sweet actually. It's my kinda of song.

I guess this can be my motivation. Once these exams are over I'm gonna start over and let my life begin to a better and good one. One where I have him in it and one where I'm happy and carefree.

I'm weird. My posts are weird. What the freak is wrong with me. I guess I'm just lovesick. I'm also aging. I'm starting to see wrinkles and uneven skin tone and the 7 signs of aging. I think I should go buy Olay now. I can't have this happening to me, I need to be vibrant and lovely and edible, most of which I'm not. I'm so superficial that I care so much about my looks and wanna cry about it now. If that was true I'd probably crying right now but it's now. But I am aging. I've just realised how freaking close my birthday is. It's in less than 60 days. LESS THAN 60 DAYS, wait. I shall count how long away it is. 54 DAYS AWAY, you know how unsoon that is. But i've been waiting 17 years and 311 days for this day and it's fast approaching. After this, I'm gonna be an ADULT, a real life ADULT. I just don't see it happening. Yeah if I had a car I wouldnt be complaining about it this much.

laters bychezzzz

Revelation

I didn't actually want to write again but I felt like if I wrote then maybe all the feelings inside of me would disappear and let me concentrate on studying for this exam.

I have mixed feelings, towards everyone. The people who you expect to be the biggest dick towards you turns out to be really nice and as much as they may not show it, you can just tell that they're really sincere, thought at times you might just be hallucinating and no they're not really nice. However, there's others who you have high expectations from, as friends and people who would, SHOULD care about and understand how you feel but instead creates problems which you never expect would have occurred.

I'm studying for Engineering. I actually find it quite interesting. On top of that it's distracting me from the people around me and all the issues which come along with it. I don't like how things are. This post is pretty much contradicting my previous one, WHICH was only written a few hours ago. But right now, I feel like sometimes me and my boyfriend weren't meant to be. There's always forces keeping us apart and if not that, people preventing us from being together. Am I that horrible and mean of a person that I have to suffer with this, let alone with the guy whom I love most. I'm not the only one suffering, or so I hope. I mean, if I'm the only one suffering this is life's way of torturing me after all that I've done in the past.

I just want to be free. I don't want to be held back by anyone anymore. I want to be able to do what I want to do without having to worry about others, judging and telling that it's not right. Maybe I know it's not right, but sometimes I have to experience these things for myself and learn and be able to learn from these mistakes. I want to experience new things. I want the adrenaline, the rush, just everything. I don't want to be held back. Which is why when I turn 18 I'm considering getting a tattoo. I don't know what yet, but I will. Not to rebel, but just to have that feeling running through my veins. The feeling where no one has held me back and allowed me to make my own decision. I don't care if it's a mistake. At times, actually, I know that my mistakes have led to good things. I remember that one day, I jigged school to get away from everyone and went to the house of the person who could comfort me and allow me to forget all the issues and troubles I was in. He took me to his home, especially during a critical time in his hs life, yet he did not worry. He did not care that he could be in trouble for allowing me to enter the home of his parents. He talked with me, he spent the day with me, my gosh we studied in our underwear. Of course that person is special to me and he's still that loving person that he was. If people understand how I feel about him and could just be like him then maybe I won't be like this. Is it that hard to empathize with others and maybe see how they feel.

What the freaking heck am I on about. Sometimes I can just go on about nothing yet for some reason it makes sense to me later and it also removes the weight within me. Like right now, I actually feel good. I've made mistakes and I should learn to accept the consequences. And now I can go back to studying for that exam.

laters bychezzz


p.s. sorry if write a lot and that it's a complete eyesore. I just have a lot on my mind and I'd like to free myself from it, even if it means writing on an online blog where no one will ever read it. I guess that's what so good about. Oh and PJ might read it, she's not nothing. I kinda hope she doesn't though. Don't want her to see how much of a loser I really am, if she hasn't seen it already.

Chou Yo Hana Yo

A BIG HELLO TO THE PEOPLE WHO WASTE THEIR TIME READING MY NONSENSE

Today was, well, how shall I put it. It was freakin' great. Yes, I know there was a Chemistry exam but you see as important as it may be, I like to see things on the positive side and will it benefit me. Okay, so now I'm just stupid because it obviously doesn't benefit me and now I don't even know what I'm going on about. But the main reason today was good because I pretty much kept my boyfriend to myself and made sure I shared him with absolutely no one else. As harsh as that may sound, I've hardly seen him in the past week nor have I had a proper conversation with him. It's not like I forced him to stay with me. He wanted to be with me too, I guess, I HOPE. Laugh out loudspeaker. Anyways yeah, HE SHOULD HAVE COME OVER THOUGH since I'm home alone right now and I have absolutely nothing else to do except you know study for my upcoming Engineering Exam which my whole class always manage to fail. And you know what I've noticed. I've never actually failed an Engineering exam before. All my marks have been 50%+ which I guess is an Outstanding effort because I said so. 

I guess there's nothing else to really talk about. I mean apart from the fact that I have managed to make my life seem like hell to myself, everything has been good. Oh, except I've just realised I won't get to see my boyfriend again for another week which REALLY does saddens me because I don't think anyone (apart from him) gets how much I love him and how much he means to me and just how much he makes me feel special. It really does make me feel selfish and that's why I've stuck to just him because I'm happy with just him, I don't need to be anymore selfish and pushing myself onto others. I'm really happy. That and because he makes me happy in all kinds of ways. I'm glad I can make myself smile, I know this is kinda off topic but I've noticed that whenever I'm down or someone else is down and I'm just talking casually to them, I suddenly bring up some lame or dirty joke and it kinda just relaxes the moment. I'm glad I'm actually amazing that way because most of the time, I really don't care about others. Not because I don't care but because I don't like sticking my nose in other people's problems. If I was needed I'd know or I'd be asked otherwise, I'll stay out of what's NOT MY BUSINESS.

So today's been good. I've also pretty much freed myself. From the things that have been dragging me down and I just wanted to be that carefree me again, the one who, well didn't care about what anything or anyone does. Just the me that's absolutely happy with the boy she loves and the people whom she care about the most. Gosh, I'm in a good mood, and I haven't even got sexed up yet. Laugh out loudspeaker.

Sorry for writing so much, didn't think I had it in me. And I was reading through my old posts right and I noticed that my writing was actually okay. Not the grammar but the way I presented it. It was interesting and it made me want to read what I wrote but yeah, I guess I'm just egotistic like that. I think I'm gonna read through it a bit more. It'd feel nostalgic going back in time though, oh well. Sometimes the past is good because it leads to where you are now.

No more writing. Save you the trouble of reading anymore. 

laters bychezzzz xoxo.

Hello 2011

Hi, I've decided to return to Blogspot, where I believe my blogging first began. It was a pretty good career because I knew many people were interested in my meaningless gossip and what not, but the past is in the past and now I'm just here because, well everyone seems to be everywhere but here, except PJ which is nice.

I've decided to revamp my blog, pretify it and all the other things I like to do when I have a critical exam the following day. I'm studying for Chemistry right. I find it all interesting but why is nothing staying in my head. I can't seem to bring myself to remember what I'm studying making it the biggest waste of time ALTHOUGH it's not like I'd be doing anything productive so I guess it's not a complete waste of time.

Looking through my blog, I found this: http://cuffsandheels.blogspot.com/2009/02/jasmine.html It was like destiny knew we were meant to be. HAHA, man I was sooo into that guy. Still am.

Uh, yeah well for my comeback this is a pretty shitty blog but HAVE NO FEAR, the future ones will be a tonne better. I hope. And I have a boyfriend. He's quite lovely actually.

Till next time, later bitchezzz.

Quick Realisation

I now now why no guy likes me.

It's because of my looks and poor personality. Well no shit, I don't think I've ever seen a guy like someone with this kind of traits and clearly both these variables affect a guys decision whether or not they'll like a girl.

I do question myself though. How do I find guys who are willing to let's use hook up with me but not be committed to be in a relationship with me. I mean, that's not the way I roll but I think it'd be better for me if I was in a stable relationship where I don't have these worries and have a guy who, well loves me for me.

Have I feelings for you, or is it just another infatuation which I need to get over because I need to know now and action must be taken before this turns into something, something unwanted. Just tell me what you feel for me or TALK TO me. I believe we haven't spoken since, well you know the last time we had a proper conversation. I don't understand though. You're the cool popular guy who isn't afraid and does these things. It's just killing me. I don't know what I did to deserve this silence between us.

NEED TO DO ENGLISH!

Never Again

A few days to my birthday, yet why do I feel like this.

So today I had a change of heart and like I feel much lighter on the inside now and I'm back to normal again, I suppose. I hope so anyway. It may be because of Austin but he's just I don't know. He's a real person, a person so far away that he may as well be a fantasy. It's quite sad that I am unfortunate enough to be unloved by people whom you think loved you but really, well they don't. It doesn't matter. I'm happy. My boys make me happy and I guess I can't really complain when I have something that makes me happy. I shouldnt be selfish and ask for too much and so there's a complete equilibrium in the world around us.

It's unfair that some people have so much negativity in their lives and it just seems that they have all the bad luck in the world. I know I may be sad at the stupidest things but I would be happy to share some of my happyness because I believe in equality between everyone no matter what race, gender, sexuality.

Sometimes I just think too much.



I LOVE YOU BOY :)
although you've made me spend so much money and time on you, it's all been worth it...now only if you were here right now...

Clumsy

I've been wanting a lot of things, this is not one of them.

She lets out a sigh of reliefe after finally returning to her home after the trauma she's been through. It simply hasn't been an easy time for her and now she feels relaxed and free from all the troubles.


Once again it's been a while since my last post and that's probably because I haven't had the chance to go on my computer, wait I'll say that again...Haven't been bothered to go on the computer and actually do computer stuff. I don't see the point of it unless I do homework which clearly I'm not going to be doing that anyway.

Things have changed. People have changed. I've changed.
Most of these changes have been good but with some things I just can't cope with it and it's somewhat unfair on me. I find a way to help myself but then I'm at fault for hurting others in doing so. Why can't I be selfish for once and just do and have what I want. I've been there whenever you needed me so just let me be me and do as I please. Is that too much to ask for.


FUN COUNT: 5 to this date.
booyeah!


Éxams are quickly approaching and I'm actually looking forward to it. The thought of being put amount great amounts of stress gives me an adrenalin rush which I just seem to love. That and sneaking out would be the two things that keep me feeling great. I'm just so awesome sometimes.


Once again, will blog whenever I can.